Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

What do you call an Asian Lesbian?

Mingeeater

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

2 Blondes walk into a building.......... You would have thought one of them would have seen it

Edited February 20, 2015 by atomant

[gizza5]

One for the Scots amongst us.........................

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and
with a big grin on his face.

" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his
best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."

" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s
chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[gizza5]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores..
Well, he's a little p****d off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Andy]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority have found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was much concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired a group of well-known Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a direct cause for these disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorists very quickly concluded the cause: Seems that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of any impending danger. They then discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[michael_t]

Came across this while bike shopping... hit a bit close to home

[the addict]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority have found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was much concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired a group of well-known Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a direct cause for these disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorists very quickly concluded the cause: Seems that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of any impending danger. They then discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

[laird387]

Hi,

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

[Andy]

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

You don't think I actually read this s*** do you?

[ham2]

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

Phew, I thought it was just deja vous or that unaccountable loss of time I get when I change from Woodpecker to Strongbow

Thread retrieval:

I decided to go to the local mosque today to check out this religion thing; I calmly took a seat and the Imam came to me, placed his hands on my shoulders and wailed:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."

I told him that I was fully fit and not suffering from any disability?

He returned to me and placed his hands on my head saying:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."

Again I told him that I was healthy and without any paralysis so I walked out and found that my effin' car had been nicked.

[trialswarrior]

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish, a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said,

"Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than

that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and

I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother

Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister

caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t

talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he

said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor

said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"

Edited February 23, 2015 by trialswarrior

[laird387]

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis........................

[laird387]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

[laird387]

Murphy says to Paddy,

"What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail."

[laird387]

A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl, a suburb in South Western Sydney.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "you are driving me mad Wally".

One day Wally's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved out of Sydney, North of Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Wally, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!

Don't tell me you thought that Wally became a heart-surgeon?

[laird387]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

Of a man on the ledge of a large building

Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,

The guy on the ledge

Did a swan dive off the building,

Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,

But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.