gizza5 Posted February 23, 2015 Report Share Posted February 23, 2015 Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted February 24, 2015 Report Share Posted February 24, 2015 Phone EtiquetteAfter a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? ...The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted February 27, 2015 Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 At what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted? --Zach G 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) The Mrs has jus come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait I ****in love Shepherd's Pie Edited February 27, 2015 by the addict 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone ****in cheered 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Paddy's wife gavebirth to triplets!!"How in gods name did that happen says Paddy ??"His wife replies.Remenber the night i was dry and we had no vaseline so i used 3 in 1 oil??!"Holy Jaysus says Paddy,im ****ing glad we didn't use WD40!. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fift...y dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Paddy is sunbathing on a nude beach in spain, out of manners and to prevent sunburn, he kept a hat over is bits !!! a woman walks past sniggering and says if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat.. Paddy replies if you werent so ****ing ugly, it would lift itself!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 28, 2015 Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 British tax return This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.The man's response back to HMRC was:"Who did I miss out?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 A fat drunk lass stood up on a table in the pub I was in earlier and shouted"IF YOU CAN GUESS MY WEIGHT YOU CAN SHAG ME!". A guy at the back shouted back"ABOUT 93 STONE YOU FAT,UGLY COW!". She replied "that's close enough for me you lucky *******"......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 The wife says, if she finds me on a porn site again, she`ll bang my head against the ****ing keyboarcchhjjdd fhurbbghjbhasdfjkluvng gggdtjksfnjkqwetyrb!w... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 When I was young I used to have an imaginary friend, now I'm on facebook I have 2319!!.. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 Haha, I like this one, I think Ham2 will as well lol Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. ... $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2015 little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The c...ouple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered....the teeth!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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