Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

2 nuns are waiting in their car at the traffic lights, when a car pulls up next to them. "Oi,get your tits out penguin" shouts one of the lads. Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare, "I don't think they know who we are, just show them your cross" So Sister Clare hangs out the window and shouts, "**** off you little ***** before i give you a ******* slap!"

Edited March 1, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

_{Modern Technology}

_{I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.}

_{'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.}

_...

_{'We don't waste money on papers.'}

_{'Here, you can borrow my iPad.'}

_{I can tell you, that ****in fly never knew what hit it}

[steveo]

Australian Computer Terminology - getting ready for Broadband in the Aussie Bush!

· LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

· LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

· MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

· DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

· HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

· KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

· WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

· SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

· BYTE: What mozzies do

· MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

· CHIP: A pub snack.

· MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

· MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

· LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

· SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

· HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

· MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

· MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

· WEB: What spiders make.

· WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

· SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't start.

· CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't start.

· YAHOO: What you say when the ute does start.

· UPGRADE: A steep hill.

· SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

· MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

· USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

· NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

· INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

· NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

· ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

· OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[the addict]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at... this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."~

[the addict]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight AA0093, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... JESUS CHRIST...! OH, MY GOOD GOD !'
A Long Silence followed..!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry i...f I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants..!'
One Irish passenger yelled...
'For ****'s sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!..

[the addict]

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."...
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE:)

[the addict]

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!..."
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your ****in wheelchair there again."

[laird387]

John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'e will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.


"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie - Oi Oi Oi.

[laird387]

Neil Armstrong........ priceless!

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING

A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING

BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE

BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

[steveo]

Man Killed on Golf Course

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee.

The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,

"I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63 . . .

[the addict]

A dwarf couple who work in a circus are expecting a baby. They go to the hospital for the check up.

The doctor says, "Everything is fine. Tell me, what do you want a boy or a girl?"

The guy replies, "Well, we don't really give a **** as long as it fits in a cannon!

[the addict]

After watching 50 Shades of Grey my wife asked me to tie her tightly to the bed.
"Now what?" I asked
"Hurt me!" She replied
"Ok, you have saggy tits and a fat a***"

[the addict]

You may not hear from me for a while as I am in Hospital.....I was a bit silly and poisoned myself...I ate what I thought was an onion but it turned out to be a Tulip bulb.....doctors said I will be out in the Spring!!......

Edited March 7, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

Paddy:- "Look at that flock of cows!"
Murphy:- "Herd of cows, you daft ****!"
Paddy:- "Of course I've heard of cows, there's a ****ing flock of them over there!!..

[the addict]

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor, "I'm constipated." he says. The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table." After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his a*** with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet. After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping your a*** with cement bags..