Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[pa.]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said."Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says"stit ruoy su wohs".

[gizza5]

First day back at school in Birmingham, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here miss."

"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here miss."

"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here miss."

"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here miss."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here miss."

"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, miss, I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen

[gizza5]

I was standing on the weighing scales sucking my stomach in and the wife started laughing said, "that wont do much good"?
So i replied "yes it will i can see the numbers now"!

[laird387]

Exotic Travel

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station. We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us, the wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Jim our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Houndslow Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Heathrow Airport.

[laird387]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet sir. The floor's still wet!"

[the addict]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wif...e in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[laird387]

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews
for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts
her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very
upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting
at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been
here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"


" I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I
was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind
me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"


I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a new negligee.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room
had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading
‘50 Shades of Grey’.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."


So... Here I am!

Edited March 12, 2015 by laird387

[laird387]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “but I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired Scottish people - they're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price”.

[pa.]

In class the teacher was asking the kids to use words in a sentence.

"Can anyone use the word 'hospital' in a sentence?"

Annie sticks up her hand. "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

"Yes, Annie?"

"Last year my Dad broke his arm and had to go to hospital!" Annie proudly says.

"Very good, Annie. Now... how about the word 'medicine'?" asks the teacher.

Annie is the only one to put up her hand. "Miss! Oh, Miss!" she squeaks.

Teacher sighs. "Yes, Annie?"

"When my Dad went to hospital, the nurse gave him lots of medicine for his pain." Annie says.

"Yes, that's a good use of the word," says the teacher. "Last one, and this one is a bit harder. Can anyone use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

The room is absolutely still except for Annie tentatively raising her hand again. "Anyone else?" asks the teacher.

At the back of the room, rocked back on his chair and picking his nose, Little Johnny says "I know one, Miss."

The teacher is surprised and pleased that Little Johnny is taking an interest. "Yes, Johnny?" she asks.

Little Johnny says....

"When my Dad and me were out in the car the other day, a truck carrying oranges had lost its load, and my Dad said 'It's going to take some poor contagious to pick those buggers up!'"

[the addict]

Sydney radio show thought this funny....

The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".
Contestant: "Brian"
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: "Yes".
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please
Brian: "Sara"
DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"
DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes"
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."
DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh"
Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: "On the kitchen table"
DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this"
(3 minutes of commercials follow)
DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?"
(touch tones...ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos"
DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she"
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No"
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
Sara: (laughing) "yes"
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning"
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"
DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes"
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell them honey"
DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
Sara: "well....."
DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
Sara: "Up the a***..."
After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"

[laird387]

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk

to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,"And how are we doing this morning?"

Or

"Are we ready for a bath?" or "Are we hungry?"

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice

off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went.....

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,

"My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today." At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,

popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again.

Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

.

[pa.]

There was a bit of confusion at Hunting & Fishing store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to Mike about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[pa.]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.


"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.


"Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".


Archie nods approvingly.


"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.


"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."


"Och," says Jimmy,


"Ai'd imagine she'll be in white.”

[laird387]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, 'My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'

The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?' So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, 'My son, sex is definitely play..'

The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?'

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it".

[steveo]

An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.

A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.

Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.

Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.

Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.

Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.

Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.

Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.

Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.

Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100

Doctor : But This Is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will be $50