the addict Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me just before he died. "Are you still holding that ****ing ladder?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Paddy tells Mick he's thinkin of buying a ladrador,"**** off!" saysMick...."Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!".. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 I Slept like a baby last night.I **** myself and woke up screaming. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up,...The Canvas Is Spread,The Hell With Breakfast,Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read: Take The Tent Pole Down,Put The Canvas Away,The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read: The Tent Pole’s Still Up,And The Canvas Still Spread,So Drop What You’re Doing,And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read: I’m Sure That Your Pole’sThe Best In The Land.But I’m Busy Right Now,So Do It By Hand. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The c...atfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia . Hwoevr tihs is olny ni etxreem caess of slef aubse!!. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labour."**** you!" she screamed back at me.Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 How do you know if someone has an iPhone?They tell you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doingPaddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of thisFlagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few...Bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, andAnnounced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening."I'm so horny that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid.Are you free tonight?""Yes!" he replied enthusiastically."Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 A drunken & totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia.. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab. ... "What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,Where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me ? " 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted April 1, 2015 Report Share Posted April 1, 2015 An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside; "Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100." A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity To Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic. Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste. Engineer: Nurse, Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline". Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50 Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money. Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing. Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth. Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor. Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50 Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try. Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak. Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100Doctor : But This Is $50 Note! Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will Be $50!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted April 1, 2015 Report Share Posted April 1, 2015 How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you. Too f****** true! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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