laird387 Posted April 2, 2015 Report Share Posted April 2, 2015 GOOD NIGHT KISS: One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2015 Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" Driver replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" Driver again replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!" Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish ****, I'm gritting!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted April 5, 2015 Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" Driver replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" Driver again replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!" Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish ****, I'm gritting!" I believe that would be the salt truck for those of us in the States..........well the Northern States at least. Down South all they use Salt for is seasoning. So the Texans and Floridians might be wondering why the Northern States want their roads to taste better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted April 5, 2015 Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 I believe that would be the salt truck for those of us in the States..........well the Northern States at least. Down South all they use Salt for is seasoning. So the Texans and Floridians might be wondering why the Northern States want their roads to taste better. It's to season all the road kill. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend.....If you are sleeping send me your dreams!....If you are laughing send me your smile!....If you are crying send me your tear drops!..He replies:I am having a ****,what do i do? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 Cinderella you shall go to the ball said the Fairy Godmother. You must be back by midnight though or your fanny will turn into a pumpkin. Cinderella went to the ball and spent most of the evening dancing with a very tall, dark handsome Prince, she whispered in his ear, “what is your name my prince” he replied “why I’m Prince Peter the Pumpkin eater” what time do have to go home?................... 3.15 replied Cinderella. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained ...to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!" Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the government approach of giving you something ****ty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?' I said 'Tourettes, you ******, now **** off!' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber... and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted April 9, 2015 Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Thirty quid,' she whispers. The man had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid. So they hid in the bushes. They're well into going 'at it', when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Police.'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to my wife,' The man answers, sounding very annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neither did I, till you shone that bloody light on her face!' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 A very fat man saw an ad:"lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am.The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:"You catch me you **** me!" & the girl starts running....He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.However he loses 5 kg.He then asks for the 10kg program.Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt saying:"You catch me you **** me".He loses 10 kg that week.So he thought this program is awesome!Lets try the 25 kg!So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are you sure?its really tough!".he said "YES!"Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a big black gay man in just underwear saying.."If I catch you, I will **** you.." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2015 I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair grow, which has got me wondering about my nan's moustache. Edited April 11, 2015 by the addict 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted April 13, 2015 Report Share Posted April 13, 2015 A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner . They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in the door ." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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