Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

 

Wine Taster Wanted

 

In a wine bottling plant the regular taster died and the director

was in urgent need of a replacement.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the

position..

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's

red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope,

matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western

slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

A third glass.

''It's Champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the

drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"

HIS WISDOM IS VALUABLE !

[the addict]

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their a*** with an iPad.

[laird387]

Four men, Chinese, French, English and Pakistani are on holiday and enjoying
the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal.
They're standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly 
throws a wad of money off the cliff.

"Why did you do that?" ask the others.
"We have so much money in China that I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.
"Ok" says the Frenchman throwing a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea.
"We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to this."

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says, "Don't even think about it!"

[laird387]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns

are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and

female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. 

 

 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender

('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later

retrieval; and use

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 

 

 

(THIS GETS BETTER!) 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited

a little longer, you could have got a better model. 



The women won. 

[the addict]

A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day ...was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!..

[the addict]

 _{met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'}

[ham2]

A lot of people were shocked to hear about the death of Keith Harris , apparently it's left Orville speechless.

[the addict]

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed..Inside he found 3 eggs,and £7000 in cash"What are the eggs for?" asks the husband.She replied,"Everytime we had crap sex,i would put an egg in the box."Not bad" says the husband,"3 eggs in 35 yrs,and the cash?"She replies,"Everytime i got a dozen i sold them...

[pa.]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone."Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing." You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit.Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit.......Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

[the addict]

IT'S A BOY! I shouted A BOY,I DON'T BELIEVE IT,IT'S A BOY!!
And with tears streaming down my face,i swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!!

[the addict]

They say 1 in every 4 men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

[laird387]

 

 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied,  "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

 

 

[the addict]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I ha...ve been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."

[laird387]

My Rezimay

Deer Surz,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in thePaper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do Sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole Person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2Complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a Job Bcuz of my persinalety..

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,


Peggy May McBiggins


PS : I half includeded a Pickture of me B low.










Dear Peggy May:
Start on Monday, we have spell check!!!!

[the addict]

 I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening."That's my husband," she said,"Quick,try the back door",I knew I should left before her husband caught me,but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that....