Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

I've heard recently that Viagra is now avalilable in powder form,for use in your tea...It doesn't improve your sexual performance,but it does stop your biscuit from going ****in soft!!....

[the addict]

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so ...he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[steve_earle]

A farmer goes to his solicitor.

 

"I wanna divorce my wife" He says.

 

"O.K, What grounds do you have? The solicitor replies.

 

"Oh front Garden, Back garden..."

 

"No", says the solicitor, you must have misheard me, Let me put it another way "Do you have a grudge?"

 

"Arr", Says the Farmer, "But I can't fit the car in it anymore".

 

"Your'e still not getting me" The solicitor replies, Put it this way "Is your wife a nagger?"

 

"No" says the Farmer "But I caught her Sh****ng one and I want a divorce".

[the addict]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

Eventually the knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

...

Then he suddenly looked through the window.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, "I can see you in there, open the door!"

"You're not coming in, mate!" I replied.

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[the addict]

The teacher asked the class to use the word " fascinate " in a sentence.

Molly’s hand went up and she said, "At my granddad's farm, his pet sheep was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating?"

Sally raised her hand next. She said, "Rock City was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

...

But when Little Johnny raised his hand, the teacher hesitated because as we all know little Johnny burns teachers . Finally she decided he could not damage the word "fascinate "so she called on him.

Johnny said, My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!?

[copemech]

Joke of the day, me with the phone cam! I just cana get thing right, anyway!

Bloody ugly new car in the shop today! I'm sure I will have to test when finished! At least they are more comfortable than the $100k Viper sitting next to it!

707HP is fun, though!

[biffsgasgas]

Thoughts on the He...cat there cope? That's a tons of power and speed for the market to digest. If any parent buys their kid one and it goes like we think it could go I believe the automotive world would have a fit. 

 

Still it looks like a fun thing to toy around in if the suspension holds up.

 

--Biff

[guys]

[laird387]

 
A young lady confidently walked around  the room with a raised glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining  stress management to her audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the  ultimate question, 'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy  is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged  from 8 oz. To 20 oz. 
 
 
She replied, "The absolute weight  doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute,  that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right  arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each  case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it  becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we  carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes  increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass  of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it  again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress  longer and better each time practiced.

So, as early in the evening as  you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and  into the night. Pick them up again tomorrow if you must. 
 
 
 
 
1 * Accept the fact that some days  you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

  2 * Always keep your words soft and  sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 3 * Always read stuff that will make  you look good if you die in the middle of it.

 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only  cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

 5 * If you can't be kind, at least  have the decency to be vague.

 6 * If you lend someone £20 and never  see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 7 * No man is worthless - he may at least serve as a bad example.

 8 * Never buy a car you can't  push.

 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth  at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance  well. Just get up and dance.

 11 * Since it's the early worm that  gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

 12 * The second mouse gets the  cheese.

 13 * When everything's coming your  way, you're in the wrong lane.

 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The  more you have, the longer you live.

 
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to  make only once.

 17 * We could learn a lot from  crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird  names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same  box.

 18 * A truly happy person is one who  can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 19 * Have an awesome day and know that  someone has thought about you today.

  
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

 
 
 20 *Save the earth..... It's the only  planet with chocolate!*

[guys]

Nice one! 

[laird387]

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take 
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. 

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THEREON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." 
So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" 

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, 

"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? -- CAN I BE FIRST???"

[laird387]

Did you hear about the three women golfing on the fourth green, when suddenly a man runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

 

As he passes the first woman, she looks down and says, "it's not my husband."

 

As he passes the second woman, she looks down and says, "he's not my husband either."

 

He then passes the third woman and she looks down and says, "He's not even a member of this golf club."

 

[copemech]

Thoughts on the He...cat there cope? That's a tons of power and speed for the market to digest. If any parent buys their kid one and it goes like we think it could go I believe the automotive world would have a fit. 

 

Still it looks like a fun thing to toy around in if the suspension holds up.

 

--Biff

I would not buy my kid one! These things scare me! To be honest, I do not really have the proper area locally to run one hard. And I am not going curb hopping if I can help it!

A roll-on in 3rd or 4th gear is pretty quick, though! Just a good hot rod!

I think of them as a hot rod, but the Viper at 600 or whatever HP is more a race(track ) car, low and stable although stiff and cramped, not comfortable as a daily driver.

Challenger is a great car, but the stock Hemi is plenty! And even the 300 or so HP V6 is a sweet car.

[the addict]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre that
evening
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard

...

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted
back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her a*** with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat a*** downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!
. .............She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden
again!"

 

[the addict]

Political correctness? not here!!! topical one peeps.

 

Paddy & Mick are in the pub celebrating the yes vote for gay marriage.
"Oi think it's great dat gays can now marry" says Paddy.
"Oi agree" says Mick "but oi'm confused"
"What's confusing you Mick" says Paddy.
"Well Paddy, which one wears the engagement ring"...
"Easy" says Paddy, "the one who pops the question gives the udder one the ring"
"And which one wears a wedding dress" says Mick.
"Easy again" says Paddy "the one who got the engagement ring wears the dress"
"Ah" says Mick, "oi think I'm getting this, so the one with the ring and the dress also gets taken up the aisle?"
"That's quite enough" says Paddy. "I don't mind discussing the ceremony but not the consummation"

 

Edited May 24, 2015 by the addict