laird387 Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 Hi, Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 The Golf MatchStevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.""But, how do you putt?", asks Woods."Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"Stevie says, "Pick a night! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 Hi, On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted August 12, 2015 Report Share Posted August 12, 2015 Suicide Counselling A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy smelly tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old *******!" He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump ......... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 12, 2015 Report Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hi, My sex life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name to Seldom Bin Laid! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hi, A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as “Battery Low”. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 18, 2015 Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted August 18, 2015 Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 20, 2015 Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hi, I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 22, 2015 Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Hi, If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Oldie but a goodie. Biff 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 HI, Do you know the feeling.................... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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