Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

One for Donald Y and Andy

 

 

Edited November 11, 2015 by the addict

[laird387]

A spinster had worked diligently as a teacher in a city school as her life but dreamed of retiring to a chocolate box little cottage in the country with roses round the door..........

 

When the day came she engaged an estate agent and commenced the hunt for the cottage.

 

One day he called her, very excited: “A potential cottage has just come on the market, it is just as you described, beautiful cottage garden, thatched roof, little porch on the door with climbing roses.......”

 

They went to see it, it was semi-detached, with a solitary elderly gentleman living next door.  Inside there were oak beams, a cosy little snug with a window seat, a tidy kitchen and small bedroom - just what the schollmistress had always imagined. “Where’s the toilet?’” she queried, the agent replied it was very old fashioned and in the back garden and that it was shared with the neighbour, as was often the case.

 

They went to look at it, it was a chemical toilet, but spotlessly clean, neat and tidy.

 

“That’s fine,’ the schoolmistress said, “but just one thing - there isn’t a bolt on the door......”

 

No problem thought the agent, let’s ask the neighbour if it will be alright.

 

The elderly gentleman listened to the suggestion that it would need a bolt on the toilet door.  He thought about it, drew himself up to full height and said, “I’ve lived in this cottage, man and boy, for over eighty-five years - and in all of that time nobody has ever pinched a bucket of that sh**e..............” 

[laird387]

A solution may be to hand.................

[gizza5]

FROZEN CARBURETOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor...

Last January, on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

.

.

.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill..."

[gizza5]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck,

decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark

waters off Gun wharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a

young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of

jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her

back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what;

I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on

board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the

lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll

look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just

have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the

sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the

sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and

making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was

performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He

peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an

explanation

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to

Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here

and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he

replied,

.

.

.

'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry .'

[gizza5]

A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly p****d off now, flips a page on his sheet.

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi."

[gizza5]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. 
However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well,what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

 

[the addict]

[the addict]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three ****in hours ago!"

[the addict]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"H...appy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[the addict]

[the addict]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pa...ir of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

 

Edited November 20, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

[the addict]

[the addict]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for gorilla removers.
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knoc...k the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.