Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

I nicked this one..

 

A man buys a Budgie, it keeps repeating " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel and puts it in the cage and says, " Let's see how hard you are now! "

 

Next morning, the Kestrel is dead and the Budgie says again, " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

 

So the man buys a Buzzard and puts that in there and the next morning the Buzzard is dead. The Budgie says again, " " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

 

So the man thinks he has the ultimate answer and buys a Golden Eagle and puts that in there with him..

 

The next day the Eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left..

 

The Budgie says, " Hid tae take ma jaikit aff for that wee C*** "

 

Edited December 7, 2015 by atomant

[Andy]

I was out walking this morning and found a suitcase containing a cat and six kittens. I called the RSPCA to report it and the woman said "That's terrible, are they moving?

 

I replied "I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

[copemech]

A father cooked some deer for his family feast. He did not tell them what it was, only left one clue,

"It is what your mother calls me."

The boy screams, "Don't eat it! It' Fun@i'n Dick!"

Edited December 11, 2015 by copemech

[the_oil_baron]

FACT VS FICTION

 

 

Man Flu is simply a cold, the symptoms of which are greatly exaggerated by men.
FALSE - Man Flu is a serious and potentially life threatening illness, and will no doubt soon be on the Health and Safety Executive's list of Reportable Diseases. Man Flu is a distinct disease in its own right, and should not be misdiagnosed as a mere common cold.

Women can catch Man Flu
FALSE - Man Flu does not attack humans with the XX chromosome, only those with the XY chromosome. This genetic mutation effectively immunises females against Man Flu. This may account for the reason that women widely believe that Man Flu is actually just the common cold, but with a bit of extra drama thrown in for good measure.

The best way to deal with Man Flu is to just and#39;get on with it'
FALSE - Extensive research has proven that the only way to combat the crippling effects of Man Flu is complete withdrawal to the sofa and uninterrupted mollycoddling by the girlfriend / wife.

Men have a slower recovery rate from Man Flu than women do from the common cold
TRUE - The effects of Man Flu can linger for days and days, compared with just a few hours for the common cold. If the man is not permitted the correct period of convalescence following an attack of Man Flu he can be plunged back into a critical condition

Man Flu is just a way for men to get sympathy / time off work / time in front of the telly
FALSE - Man Flu is a bona-fide and debilitating illness, would men make a meal of that sort of thing?

The pain and suffering of Man Flu is similar to that of child birth
TRUE - Though at least with child birth it's all done and dusted in a few hours, but Man Flu can last for weeks...

The best cure for Man Flu is a cocktail of Night Nurse, Day Nurse, chicken noodle soup and whiskey.
FALSE - There is no cure for Man Flu. Once infected the afflicted can only hope that the gods roll the dice in favour of life rather than slow, lingering death.

While suffering from Man Flu, men would like nothing more than to go to work and try to forget about their affliction.
TRUE - However, men recognise the huge risk of spreading Man Flu to other men. Indeed, a single cough in the wrong direction could hold enough Man Flu germs to wipe out a small rainforest tribe.

 

 

 

[michael_t]

I told my wife she was just having a man flu one time... she called a girl friend who took her to the hospital then called me a couple hours later to let me know my wife had been cardio verted twice (shock paddles)... boy was she upset. I wish I had known that women couldn't get man flu it would have saved me many days in the dog house... We laugh about it now but it wasn't terribly funny at the time.

[atomant]

My Doctor told me I was colour blind.. It was a big surprise..  came at me totally out of the Purple ..

 

 

[the addict]

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin & they are both waiters at a Chinese restaurant. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You wanna ... Garlic Shicken with corrifrowa?"

[copemech]

Do they have these in the UK?

[atomant]

WARNING - There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it. It's SPAM

[yamanx]

Dog 1: “Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree, 4 letters.”
Dog 2: “Woof?”

Dog 1: “You’re not even bloody trying.”

[biffsgasgas]

Do they have these in the UK?

Up north here they have a prime location.

--Biff

[the addict]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care ...with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[gizza5]

Little Johnnys' parents had tried everything to help his maths grade: 
tutors, detention, Maths online, special learning centres, everything. 
Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school. 
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. 
His mother was amazed. 
Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnny was hard at work. 
As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. 
This went on for weeks until Little Johnny proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: 
An A in Maths! 
"Johnny! This is great! 
I'm so proud of you! Son. 
What was it? 
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" 
Little Tommy shook his head. 
"Well, then, was it the books? 
The discipline? 
The structure? 
The uniforms? 
What was it?" 
Little Johnny looked at her and said, 
"Well, Mum, it's like this. 
When I saw that guy out in the hallway almost naked and nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't messing around!"

[gizza5]

[pa.]