the addict Posted March 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 5, 2016 Report Share Posted March 5, 2016 A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p*** off, ya fookin' little ****ers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 Paddys' wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we're both over the ****ing moon!!. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 Mother is texting her son .. Mom : " Son, where are you?" Son : "I'm at a strip club mom" Mom : " What! Did you see anything you shouldn't have ? "Son : " Besides all the naked women, yeah just one thing " Mom : " Let me guess, your father ! " Son : " No, my sister " 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 After extensive market research I am releasing a new product. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feelinglike it'd been run over by a safari wagon.The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don'thave to get so upset about it!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 10, 2016 Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 Oop north a man was in the office of the Yorkshire Post talking about an obituary following the death of his wife. The couple had been happily married for 50 years.When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "Arrrrr Much? !!!"He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat simple" he explained, "myGladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wunt avewanted owt s****y.""Perhaps a small poem", suggested the woman at the desk."Nay", he said, "she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; GladysBraithwaite died'"."You need to say when", he was told by the receptionist."Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do"."It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearlydeparted".The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, 'Sadly missed'. That'll do",he said."You can have another four words", the woman explained. "No, no", he cried,"she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out""The words are included in the price", the woman informed him."Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?"."Yes, indeed"."Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin 'em".The obituary was duly printed as follows:Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 10, 2016 Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 An actual tweet from Chicago : "I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted March 10, 2016 Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.....Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is Doctor, it wakes me up!" Edited March 10, 2016 by atomant 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 Oop north a man was in the office of the Yorkshire Post talking about an obituary following the death of his wife. The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "Arrrrr Much? !!!" He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat simple" he explained, "my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wunt ave wanted owt s****y." "Perhaps a small poem", suggested the woman at the desk. "Nay", he said, "she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; Gladys Braithwaite died'". "You need to say when", he was told by the receptionist. "Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do". "It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed". The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, 'Sadly missed'. That'll do", he said. "You can have another four words", the woman explained. "No, no", he cried, "she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out" "The words are included in the price", the woman informed him. "Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?". "Yes, indeed". "Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin 'em". The obituary was duly printed as follows: Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale. pmsl, nicking that un for elsewhere ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 My daughter asked, "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? It's embarrassing. "I was stunned.Bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the wife....... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 11, 2016 Report Share Posted March 11, 2016 Attorney: "This twenty-year old, how old was he?" Witness: "Twenty - like your IQ........" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2016 My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line.I nearly **** her pants. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 12, 2016 Report Share Posted March 12, 2016 ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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