gizza5 Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 Little Tommy had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse darling." Little Tommy said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Went to the docs other day with hearing problems, he said 'can you describe the symptoms'. I said 'homers a fat bloke and Marg has blue hair' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 I was at the pool today and tried for a sneaky p*** at the deep end.The lifeguard must have seen me.He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted March 20, 2016 Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 Jack goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, My Cousin dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead." His workmates said, "bloody hell, Jack, what happened?" . . Jack said, "His bloody parachute didn't open!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 When my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. "And then I saw her face!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 I ordered a Thai prostitute last night and she turned up 2 hours late.She loved me wrong time. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 21, 2016 Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death! ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam."Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-a***d teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual e...xhaustion?"The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out & hits their windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children "That was a big insect". To which the 7 year old son replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a c**k that size! Edited March 22, 2016 by the addict 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 As I was climbing into the new bed I bought us, my wife snarled at me and turned the other way. I think she's just jealous I got the top bunk. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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