spen Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American. He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone. He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and buried the body in it. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "That old sod next door has still got my shovel!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make- available now" Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP." "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 2, 2016 Report Share Posted April 2, 2016 (edited) Two lesbians are on a game show together and the host asks them about themselves:......"So, what do you two do?" "We work at a supermarket. One of us sells fruit and veg and the other sells meat.".. "I see. So, which one of you is the butcher?" They look at each other, think for a second and then one of them replies: "We're about the same really" Edited April 2, 2016 by spen 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 2, 2016 Report Share Posted April 2, 2016 Some may know that I was away in Sweden and Finland for work a few weeks ago. I have to confess that one evening, in the hotel, I had a bit of difficulty with one of the local girls. Beautiful girl, she was, young, very, very pretty and she was just constantly hammering on my hotel room door. I put up with it for about 2 hours then it just got too much for me, and I had to let her out....... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 3, 2016 Report Share Posted April 3, 2016 Ronnie Corbett jokes.... A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?' A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals. We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet. There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand. For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night. This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago. French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in. West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms. It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy. We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame. After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes. We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 4, 2016 Report Share Posted April 4, 2016 Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery! They were right... we had 6 matching balls. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2016 Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery! They were right... we had 6 matching balls. lol, although officer Ham2 will pick you up for that one mate. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2016 I think my best mate is having an affair with my wife . He's been a right miserable ******* lately!!.. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2016 Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I... had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know.Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 4, 2016 Report Share Posted April 4, 2016 A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, "l bet the antelope gets away." The wife answered, "If that antelope survives this one, l'l give you sex every day for the rest of your life." The deadly chase was recorded........... ..........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDIwOnXNc8 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2016 Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time.He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safe word twice and I'll stop."She says "OK, what's the safe word ???He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2016 "For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is ****in golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.".. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2016 My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket.It's really hit me for 6! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 5, 2016 Report Share Posted April 5, 2016 A man goes to the doctors with a small lump on the bridge of his nose The doctor examines him and says "well this is strange, but it appears you are growing a second penis"! "WHAT"! says the man "HOW THE HELL AM I'M GOING TO APPEAR IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT"! "Calm down" replies the doc "you won't see it" "Really"? "Yeah....The bollocks will cover your eyes" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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