Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time.

He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safe word twice and I'll stop.

"She says "OK, what's the safe word ???

He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Reminds me of the dyslexic woman who left her husband a note saying she fancied anal, he spent all day at work excited, he got home and she'd run off with his mate Alan.......

[the addict]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is", having never seen an elevator before.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the mo...ving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[atomant]

This old trials rider wanted a brand new pair of Trials boots, so when he was at the World rounds, he saw some for sale and bought them right there and then.

When he got them home, he tried them on and walked into the kitchen and said to his wife, " Hey Maureen, Notice anything different about me?

 

She said "Nope !"

 

So he stormed off to the bedroom , got completely naked except for his new boots, then walked back into the kitchen and said " Maureen, notice anything different NOW? "

 

She said, "Kevin, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow !" 

 

So Kevin yells at her.. " AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN?? IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW FECKING BOOTS !"

 

Maureen pauses for a moment and says, " Really ? .....Should have bought a new Helmet "

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by atomant

[spen]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in,

stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

 

I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

 

He says "No, why  you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

 

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer."

[spen]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens & a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem--how to carry all his purchases home!

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time!"

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[spen]

A chap out fishing on his boat gets caught up in a storm and gets stranded on a desert island. He's been there all alone for a year when he sees a cruise ship come into view, to his horror as he's waving to attract attention he sees the ship start to sink. An hour later he sees Kylie Minogue lying on the beach, exhausted. He picks her up and carries her back to the hut he's fashioned from branches, leaves and grass. He nurses her back to health and after a week she's fully fit.

As a thank you she offers herself to him and they start a relationship. After three months he asks her if she'll wear his clothes and paint a moustache and beard on her face with ash from the fire.

Kylie thinks it's a bit odd, but does as he asks.

He then asks her to walk along the beach where he says he'll meet up with her and he'll approach her and call her John.

She walks along the beach and he approaches her. He says to her: ' John, guess who I'm shagging, only bloody Kylie Minogue'.

Edited April 13, 2016 by spen

[spen]

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

[the addict]

_{A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her first day. She met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny." Mrs Franny sighed, "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Fanny." The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!" Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt."..}

 

[the addict]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on...

[the addict]

_{My wife accused me of being a transvestite.}

 

_{So I packed her things and left...}

 

[kinell]

Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton...

[atomant]

[pa.]

[michael_t]

Murphy's Laws _ part 2

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Texas would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[slapshot 3]

Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton...

 

The Addict has been a superstar in keeping "Kenny" tripping along nicely...... Kenny is a legend

 

PS

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"Nein, I am chust here for a few days."

Edited April 21, 2016 by slapshot 3