Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

The teacher was asking the children what they had for breakfast, and

then to spell it."Mary, what did you have?" "I had cornflakes, Miss.

C-O-R-N-F-L-A-K-E-S."

"Very good. Alan, what did you have?" "I had toast, Miss.

T-O-A-S-T."

"Very good. Now Johnny, what did you have?"

"Bugger all, Miss. B-U-G-G-E-R......"

"Yes, thank you Johnny, that's enough of that.

Let's go on to some geography. Tracey,

where is the Panama Canal?"

"Between North and South America, Miss."

"Very good. George, where is the Mexican border?"

"Between the USA and Mexico, Miss."

"Very good. Now Johnny, where is the Polish border?"

"In bed with my mum. That's why I had bugger all for breakfast,

Miss."

[spen]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.

"Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Chevy Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"

[spen]

Subject: Teachers & Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

[yamanx]

Fact of the day - Never wear shorts in the Ukraine because Chernobyl fall-out

 

[pa.]

If I had to summarize myself in one word it would be, "Doesn't follow instructions."

[copemech]

This is the funny thread! I got my new ride! I gave it back!

[gizza5]

Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton...

 

Where it all started back in 2008 Justin I salute you 

 

Posted 12 December 2008 - 08:13 PM

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks

badly.

So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a

rooster that they would sell.

The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.

He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.'

Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the

Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but

first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of

money.

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and

have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house

and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen

house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure

enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't

even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the

next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth

open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with

Buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive

animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.

I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky

above and says,

'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away. 

[pa.]

Then came the movie.

 

[laird387]

HI,

 

OOPS!

[spen]

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his divorce lawyer, who says 'You can't divorce Minnie for having big teeth.'

Mickey replies: 'I said she was f@#*ing Goofy.'

[laird387]

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.

 

Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

 

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

[spen]

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father ?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.....

 

[laird387]

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.

 

He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says:

 

 

 

"Don't laugh, your next!!"

[spen]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[the addict]

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.

 

Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

 

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

"Haram"