Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red headed woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes’.

[laird387]

 

 

 

FACTS ....... are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said: 

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never 
realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, 
but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - 
PRICELESS. 

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, 
Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 

AND
4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. 
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight 
live longer than the men who mention it. 

 

 

 

[spen]

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command.


 
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia 
stamped on every biscuit.

 
He went to the chef to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other 
ships under his command.
 

The chef replied, "Well, sir, after each one is cut out I just slap it here 
against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."



 
Horrified the admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"



 
The chef shrugs, and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the 
doughnuts."

[gizza5]

Jack says to Mick, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow. Mick said "I had that done when I was a baby" "Does it hurt Mick?" asked Jack. Mick says, "well I couldn't walk for 18 months!!"

[laird387]

To demonstrate the state of political correctness a stoker was invited to the dinner party in the admirals home.

 

During the meal the stoker said, "Pass the salt"

 

When nobody appeared to notice, he repeated, "Pass the f***ing salt",

 

Embarrassed the admiral's wife said, "Oh, I can see you're naval."

 

"I don't care if you can see my bollox", the seaman replied, "Pass the f***ing salt............." 

[laird387]

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

 

 

 

Here's what happened to Kevin

 

 

 

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. 

 

 

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.. 

 

 

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

 

 

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. They are cedar shingles for roofing your new extension.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[the addict]

[gizza5]

A laid back monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint,

when a lizard walks past, looks up,and says to the monkey

"Hey, what're you doing?

The monkey replies,

"Smokin' a joint and chillin'.

Come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey,

and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's

going to the river to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned,

he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.

Then he asks the lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up

in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off

into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says

"Hey. You !!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Jesus Christ .....Dude!

How much water did you drink?!"

[gizza5]

On the BBC website I read with interest that scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish ever known to exist.

They've obviously never been to the bloody chippy round the corner from me!

Edited July 15, 2016 by gizza5

[spen]

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/07/14/space_station_to_get_shiny_new_ringpiece_for_automatic_penetration/

[laird387]

HELP................

[axulsuv]

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/07/14/space_station_to_get_shiny_new_ringpiece_for_automatic_penetration/

With studded sensors !!!!

[spen]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They set up their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: ''Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.''

Watson: ''I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.''

Holmes: ''Watson, you bloody idiot, somebody stole our tent!''

[spen]

A 75 year old rings her local hospital: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I'd just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes.  I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy; thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. They tell you fook all in here.'

[spen]

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.  

•        Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer! 

•        A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

•        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•        Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

•         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a  Liverpool .

•        I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

•        They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

•        I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

•        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

•        I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

•        This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

•        When chemists die, they barium.

•        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

•        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

•        Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

•        I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

•        Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

•        When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•        Broken pencils are pointless.

•        What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

•       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•       All the toilets in  New York 's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

•       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•        Velcro - what a rip off!

•         Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.