Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

G od's Plan for Ageing   Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors  would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the  bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that  it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember  it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under  your breath.    Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older  #9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8  Life is sexually transmitted. #7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.   Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

[pa.]

Don't mess with Chuck Norris.

 

[copemech]

2 hours ago, pa. said:

Don't mess with Chuck Norris.

 

eep up the good work, Chuck!  Just a few more idiots!

[spen]

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

 

It seems Suggs is marching against racism and homophobia.
I mean, it's just Madness gone politically correct.

 

The inventor of coloured hair dyed today

 

The giraffe is said to be facing extinction, I’ll stick my neck out and say it won’t happen

 

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

 

Just got a job working in a full sized cuckoo clock. It’s not a great job but at least it gets me out of the house

 

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that…….
Never mind.

 

I was having an Indian meal last night, the waiter came over and said, “Curry ok, sir?” I said “Go on then, just one song then

 

The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that’s Wong.

 

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!’

 

Women are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.

 

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.

 

I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains.
I wonder what the other half is for?

 

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them. One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

 

Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? .... He sold her four of them.

 

[Andy]

If copying and pasting into this topic please only copy and paste text and check post after posting. Some of the recent replies have contained code that buggers the topic layout.

[guys]

A man checks in at a hotel in Paris. The receptionist asks his nationality

to which he replies " German "
She then says, "Occupation" ?
He replies, "No, just a short holiday this time".

[atomant]

A mum is cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom and finds a load of bondage gear and fetish magazines under his bed..
She asks her husband "What do I do? "
He says, " I'm not sure but what ever you do, don't spank him!" 

 

Edited March 12, 2017 by atomant

[guys]

For the person that can't be bothered...

 

[guys]

[pa.]

This morning I was beaten up by a well endowed woman in the lift.

I was trying not to stare at her tits but then she said "would you please press one"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.

[spen]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
 

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
 

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
 

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and
stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
 

Everything had been SO incredible!  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to
every guy you meet?" 

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
 

[slapshot 3]

A young doctor moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the younger one accompany hiim on his rounds to introduce him to the community.

At the first house the woman complains “ I’ve been a little sick and have a sore stomach”

The older doctor says “well you’ve obviously been over doing the fresh fruit Mrs Smith, cut back on the amount you are eating and we’ll see if that does the trick.”

As they left the younger doctor said, “that was brilliant, you didn’t actually examine her but you came up with that diagnosis so quickly”

“I didn’t have to” the old man said, “you noticed I dropped my stethescope on the floor? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed half a dozen banana skins in the rubbish, its more than likely whats making her sick”

“That’s clever” said the young doctor, “i’m goingh to try that”.

Arriving at the next house they chatted with a much younger, more attractive woman, She said that she just didn;t have the energy she normally did and she was feeling really run down lately.

The young doctor said “You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church, maybe cut back a bit and see if that helps”.

The old doctor was impressed and said, I know that woman well and she is very active in the church and the community but how did you arrive at that diagnosis”

“I did what you did Doctor”, he said “I dropped my stethescope and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed the minister naked under the bed”.

[spen]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
 
 After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
  
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '£165,000'.
  
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
  
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
 The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.'
 
 
 
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
 
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
 
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
 
 That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
 
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
  
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
 The president was happy to oblige.
 
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked   the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
 
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

[spen]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" 

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." 

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. 

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" 

"What do you mean?" said Dad. 

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't have been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[slapshot 3]

1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 

3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong" 

4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. 

5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? 
Outlaws are wanted. 

6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 
He said "Thanks" 
I said "Don't mention it" 

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. 

8. I poured root beer in a square glass. 
Now I just have beer. 

9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? 
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't" 

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. 
But John came fifth and won a toaster. 

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I was in a nightclub queue when two men in front of me started arguing. 

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine." 

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five." 

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

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 Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. 

A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. 

He called for help repeatedly, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.. 
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I Couldnt..... ...believe it when my dad got the sack for thieving from his job as a road worker. But when I got home all the signs were there 
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 I delivered a parcel to the surgery today... It was just what the doctor ordered