Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

 

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

Desperate.

 

 

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

 

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: Ithoughtyouloved me.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2.

 

Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In- Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

 

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.

 

[pa.]

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

[spen]

I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there........

[spen]

I asked my wife if she fancied changing positions, so she laid on the settee farting and I stood at the ironing board.....

[steveo]

 

[pa.]

[thats_a_five]

Things you can say about your video game console, but not your girlfriend.

 

Boy, this thing has a lot of memory

Keeps getting real hot and going down on me.

So what if its 11 years old!

4 people can use it at the same time

It never works, I have to input everything

oh, that was easy to turn on

I can play with it whenever I want.

I wish this piece of **** would work

Wow! This only costs $60 a year.

I'm bored.   Time to get some new content

Oh boy, there's a mute button.

i need to blow her to get her working

that has a shiny box

Next year I'm totally upgrading to the new model for better graphics and an overall more enjoyable experience.

I had to line up for hours to get one

So light I can carry it around.

I lent it to a friend

I'm taking this back to the store.

I would like a system that's a bit younger.

I could play with this for hours.

I feel a sense of satisfaction when I beat things on it.

I can turn it off when it over heats and stops working

I feel satisfied after playing with you.

The piece of **** is too big and hardly even runs anymore.

[pa.]

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald.

I'm not really bothered, . . . .

it's hair loss.

[spen]

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

 

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.

 

He immediately shouted "Mickey  Mouse!    Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

 

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout 

 

"Donald, duck!"

[spen]

A ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly-erotic thoughts. As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his body. She could hardly control herself. After she paid, she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged. As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said, "I have an itchy pussy".   To which the young man replied   “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

 

[spen]

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"  
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."  
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 
===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. 

At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.  
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"  
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."  
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."  
 
You gotta love Grandmas!
===
 
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said,  "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
===
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' 

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:  
 
1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck.  

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:  
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  
 
He got an A.
 
===
 
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  

He calls his grandson to his bedside.  

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  
"You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. 

Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? 

Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

[pa.]

[laird387a]

Baby Bear said: "Somebody has been eating my porage..."

Daddy Bear said: "And somebody has been eating my porage....."

And Mummy Bear said: "Stop all your moaning - we are having cornflakes today!"

[pa.]

Sleep with Intercourse. Taste my cooking, done in a special Dutch Oven.

[zippy]

Apparently I have a liquor store, just didn't know it.