Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[trapezeartist]

Punter to Glasgow prostitute---"What protection do we use?"
Prostitute------"The bus shelter."

[trapezeartist]

A Methodist lady from the Yorkshire Dales went to the stone mason's to have made a head-stone for her recently-departed husband's grave. After choosing the stone, size, style and name/date details she asked the mason to include the inscription, "He was Thine". They agreed a price, which was considerable because of the quality and size, and the inscribing work.

Some weeks later the mason telephoned her to say the headstone had been completed and erected over her husband's grave as instructed. 

The next day she visited the grave, taking a bunch of her late-husband's favourite Spring flowers, daffodils, to place on the new grave. The headstone looked magnificent; tall, robust, highly-polished and beautifully inscribed with his name, dates of birth and passing and at the bottom the inscription she asked for. 

"He was Thin".

She was horrified and so disappointed. She went straight to the mason's to complain. "You must put it right immediately and not charge me for it. You missed off the e."

A week later, on being informed by the mason that he had re-inscribed the stone she visited once again, there to read the correction:-

"Eee, He was Thin."

[steveo]

Police Monkeys:

A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey. "Sir, You have discovered our Police Officer Monkeys. This one is our basic Patrol version. It's got a POST Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a POST Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the next cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding only a coffee cup. "What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man. The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and play with his dick, but he says he's an Inspector."

 

[Andy]

One of the better newspaper corrections

[b40rt]

@oni nou. Just for you ...

 

 

[pa.]

[pa.]

I received a voicemail message telling me that I had won a competition. I could have $250 in cash, or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. 
The instructions were - Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

[pa.]

[trapezeartist]

16 hours ago, pa. said:

So he can take nice photos?

[copemech]

 

[trapezeartist]

Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres.

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five”.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! 
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

[trapezeartist]

"Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as a salesperson." Below is rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.

As every engineer knows...
Work/Time = Power
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

Therefore we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge

Solving for money, we get:
Work/Knowledge = Money

Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of the work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

SALES, that's where it's at!

[trapezeartist]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swat.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killed many?" she asked.
"Yes, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said. 

[trapezeartist]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[trapezeartist]

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.