pa. Posted February 28, 2019 Report Share Posted February 28, 2019 Currently inventing a "smart drawer" that gets your clothes out for you. Will keep you posted as things unfold. . . . 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted April 4, 2019 Report Share Posted April 4, 2019 I have a new job. I like to get to work early to beat the crowds. Best job ever working with the riot police and on our time off we go out clubbing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted June 7, 2019 Report Share Posted June 7, 2019 Looking grim. 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trapezeartist Posted June 20, 2019 Report Share Posted June 20, 2019 (edited) My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note. Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since... I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' colleague of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' And she is a government employee..... When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote….... Edited July 20, 2022 by trapezeartist 3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted June 25, 2019 Report Share Posted June 25, 2019 Hey have you all been hearing about corduroy pillow cases? No? Weird! They've been making headlines! --Biff 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted August 22, 2019 Report Share Posted August 22, 2019 Jimmy Saviles last request for his ashes was to be put into an etch a sketch so that kids can continue to fiddle with his knob. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted August 23, 2019 Report Share Posted August 23, 2019 (edited) The Wizard and the Unfillable Hole, By Nathan W. Pyle https://cdn1.kontraband.com/uploads/videos/2019/7/11/5edae1fc.mp4 Edited August 23, 2019 by zippy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trapezeartist Posted June 18, 2020 Report Share Posted June 18, 2020 It has been a while since we've had any contributions here, and by God, we need something to smile about at the moment. Here's a start. (Sorry, they may have been posted before, but I can't check all 199 pages ?) I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side saddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car out of a busy junction. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Is it possible to be totally partial? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted June 20, 2020 Report Share Posted June 20, 2020 On 6/18/2020 at 5:45 AM, trapezeartist said: What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Betty White is, she was born in 1922 and sliced bread was introduced in 1928 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nigel dabster Posted June 23, 2020 Report Share Posted June 23, 2020 On 6/20/2020 at 12:34 PM, zippy said: Betty White is, she was born in 1922 and sliced bread was introduced in 1928 @trapezeartist BEFORE SLICED BREAD IT WAS BARBED WIRE AND THE TIN CAN. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trapezeartist Posted July 7, 2020 Report Share Posted July 7, 2020 A man goes sky-diving for the first time. He leaps out of the aeroplane and pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He’s plunging towards the earth wondering if there’s anything he can do when he meets another man coming upwards. ”Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?” ”Sorry mate. No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trapezeartist Posted July 7, 2020 Report Share Posted July 7, 2020 Three men are exploring in the jungle when they’re captured by a tribe of amazons. The women gather round and explain that they’re going to cut off the men’s penises. But to make it more fun they’re going to do it in a way appropriate to each man’s job. So they ask the first man what his job is, and he’s a lumberjack. One of the women steps forward and chops his dick off. Then they ask the second man and he explains he’s a butcher. So one of the women steps forward and slices his dick off. When they ask the third man about his job he just starts laughing. Then he explains: “I work for Dyson.” 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzuki250 Posted October 6, 2020 Report Share Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) I went to the doctors today, I keep hearing strange voices coming from my underpants. The doctor said just ignore them, they’re talking bollocks!?!?! Edited October 6, 2020 by suzuki250 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trapezeartist Posted October 17, 2020 Report Share Posted October 17, 2020 My grand daughter: “Nana, where did you grow up?” My wife: “In a town in the Midlands, called Loughborough.” My grand daughter: “And where did Grandad grow up?” My wife: “He hasn’t yet.” (I think most of us older riders can relate to that.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtrialer Posted October 18, 2020 Report Share Posted October 18, 2020 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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