axulsuv Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 The wife being the romantic sort, sent me a text...... "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." ........ "I'm taking a poop. What should I do?" :hyper: :hyper: Classic !!!! :rotfl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 The wife being the romantic sort, sent me a text...... "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." ........ "I'm taking a poop. What should I do?" Mrs. Zippy just shook her head when I read this to her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 10, 2013 Report Share Posted July 10, 2013 Ferrari Bowling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted July 14, 2013 Report Share Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) We obviously need to pay more respect to these folks! Edited July 14, 2013 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axulsuv Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 No Doubt some incredible strength and flexibility in those ladies .... But only you would search y tube for pole dancing !!! Glenn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billyt Posted July 19, 2013 Report Share Posted July 19, 2013 www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnmy7wyXCJI This is actually what he was looking for........ He got the wrong Pole........ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axulsuv Posted July 20, 2013 Report Share Posted July 20, 2013 Some more local humor....? Cletus & Billy Bob Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob .. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." (Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted July 27, 2013 Report Share Posted July 27, 2013 Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 Since my wife left, I started drinking heavily, bought a motorbike and shagged two women. Jeez she's going to be p****d off when she gets home from work. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 30, 2013 Report Share Posted July 30, 2013 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his sparse diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, wait for it..... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mokwepa Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 A indian chap applies for a job as a sales man at Walmart. The manager says hell see how well he does by the end of the day and make his decision then. At the end of the day, the manager asks Mr Naaido....so, how much did you manage to sell today? Naaido responds.... $101 000.00 Sir. Manager....bloody hell, what did you sell? Naaido.....well first I sold him a fishing rod, reel, line, hooks sinkers and some bait. I then asked him where he will be fishing and he wasnt sure. So I told him fishing in the ocean is far better but he needs a boat. So I sold him a semi rigid duck with two outboard motors and all the safety equipment plus a garmin fishfinder. I then asked him what car he drives and he said a lowered golf gti with tinted windows and a freeflow exhaust and all. I told him that his pimped out golf would not be able to tow the boat so I sold him a chev pickup. Thats about all he bought. Manager.......and you sold all of that to one guy that just wanted a fishing rod?? Naaido.......well actually, he wanted to buy tampons for his wife so I said, your weekends f***ed, so why dont you go fishing! He got the job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axulsuv Posted August 27, 2013 Report Share Posted August 27, 2013 You know by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it. HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2012 Scenario 1: Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2012- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2012 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2012 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock. 2012 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2012 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2012 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. My , how times have changed !!!! Glenn 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted September 11, 2013 Report Share Posted September 11, 2013 A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so p*** off and wait for a camel!" -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xeriotti Posted September 11, 2013 Report Share Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) 2 from the south...Continue at your own risk... (i mean it) ----------------------------------------------------------- A teenage boy wants to buy a trials bike so he manages to get a part-time job in the local hotel... In one of his first tasks he helps a mature women with her bags after checking in... They both go up in the elevator, elevator stops and as he rapidly grabs the bags he accidentally hits the ladies chest with his elbow.... He panics and tries to pilot the situation by saying... "Madamme, if your heart is as tender as your breasts, im sure youll forgive my incompetence..." The lady responds... "Whatever, if your cock is as hard as your elbow ill be waiting you in room 409 " ----------------------------------------------------------- Brother and sister, both teenagers are left with their grandfather a couple days, while their parents are on a cruise ship... Instructions left to the old man are strict and clear about not letting the kids out of the house... Weekend arrives and the girl insists on him, to let her go to the local pub, disco, rave party etc... after hours of negatives from the old man he goes mad and yells... "You wanna go to that f***ing disco???. Ill let you go, but first... Youll have to s*ck my d*ck!!! The girl cant beliebe what shes hearing so tell her grandfather he is a pervert...blah blah blah and leaves the room... Half an hour later returns to the room and asks him for permission to go to the disco again... and the old man replies "Ill let you go... But youll have to s*ck my d*ck first"..... The girl really really wants to go out that night so she accepts the kinky deal... she kneels in front of the old man, lowers his pants and when shes about to put "IT" in her mouth she notice theres SH!T all over it!!! and screams.... Granpa...i wont suck it!!! Theres Sh!t all over it!!! .... The old man replies... "Its not my fault, your brother really wanted to be at that soccer finals!!!" Edited September 11, 2013 by xeriotti Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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