copemech Posted September 28, 2014 Report Share Posted September 28, 2014 Now you see, soon as I get the wheels under the platform, what is gonna happen is I'm just gonna push that water heater which weighs more than me right into that 2x6 ft hole in the wall which is 2 ft off the surface, slip the required ali drain pan under it and hook up the water and gas! Simples! Oh, I gotta get the old one out first! This should be fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trialswarrior Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 I was at the gym last night when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway she has made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life........................... Good one... reminded me of this one: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamanx Posted October 10, 2014 Report Share Posted October 10, 2014 Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted October 10, 2014 Report Share Posted October 10, 2014 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLkVIWvf6I4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2014 A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.The Chief comes up to him and asks:- What do you want for your first wish?- I want to talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks him once again:- What do you want for your second wish?- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: - So, what do you want for your last third wish?- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:- You stupid animal, I said POSSE!!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them. The Chief comes up to him and asks: - What do you want for your first wish? - I want to talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy. The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. The Chief asks him once again: - What do you want for your second wish? - I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: - So, what do you want for your last third wish? - I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it: - You stupid animal, I said POSSE!!! The Punisher LIVES! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!" They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises. So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought...that's Abboriginal. Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us... An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunkerAn Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor resultA Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfectA Rodney King - over-clubbedAn O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with itA Condom - safe but didn't feel real goodA sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't beA Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runnerA Kate Moss - a bit thinTaking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ballA nipple licker - a shot that opens up the holeA Maradonna - a very nasty little five footerA Salman Rushdie - an impossible readA Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn'tA ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seemsPutting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole Edited October 15, 2014 by atomant 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:"You not Nissan Maindealer?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 I've stolen the Mandela one for FB Ian lol, hope all you guys are well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 I've stolen the Mandela one for FB Ian lol, hope all you guys are well. Yes mate where have you been ? hope you are well too ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamanx Posted October 17, 2014 Report Share Posted October 17, 2014 First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem."Houston: "What?"FWOTM: "Never mind"Houston: "What's the problem?"FWOTM: "Nothing"Houston: "Please tell us"FWOTM: "You know what the problem is." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Forget Ebola lads, its getting near that time of the year again? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6keUdzwFCHU 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" Edited October 19, 2014 by the addict 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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