Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[steveo]

As You Mature, It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To!

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." Seems like my six pack has evovlved into a keg.

I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I got caught taking a p*** in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a ****?

[steveo]

An 80 year old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a mug of Guinness, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Irish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little Guinness and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandfather is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Gramps couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

[the addict]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Definitely pinching this one lol, thanks Steveo.

[pa.]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum.

[pa.]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

[pa.]

A guy, who was not feeling at all well, went to the hospital to have tests done.
Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.
Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......
The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."
The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?
The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."
"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself.
Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."
The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza?
Will that help cure me?"
"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can think of which we can slip under the bloody door...."

[the addict]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"... replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says," Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again.
"with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[copemech]

Hi,

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need serious help!

roumi yakoo!

[copemech]

Totally forked!

[atomant]

That takes a whole new meaning to the phrase, " Taking a fork in the road "

[copemech]

I keep this in office to remind myself of things! It is a squirrel with a heart on!

[ham2]

I went to see an 'Elbow' tribute band last night, they were fantastic, you could barely tell them apart from the real thing...their name? 'Ar5e'

[pa.]

An Air Force Captain was about to commence morning briefings to his staff. Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He therefore posed the question of just how much sex was "hard work and how much of it was ultimate pleasure".

A Wing Commander piped up & stated that 75-25% in favour of Hard Work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded by saying that it was 25-75% in favour of Ultimate Pleasure.

There being no consensus the Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion on the subject.

Without hesitation the young Corporal responded: "Sir, it has to be 100% Ultimate Pleasure".

The Captain was surprised at the Corporals response and asked him to elaborate on his answer.

The Corporal then replied: "Well Sir, if there was any hard work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them".

[steveo]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. " I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog.

[steveo]

A WOMAN ALLWAYS HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD ????

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip of his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon full and then say '1-2-3' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.