Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[pa.]

A young man went to the doctor with an embarrassing problem.
He explained to the doc, "I feel fine but, my thingy has turned yellow!"
The doc asked, "It's your first visit here so let's take down a few details. What do you do for a living?"
He replied, "Well, I was recently laid off, so I'm unemployed at the moment".
The doc asked, "Well, what do you do with your time?"
He responded, "Not a lot to be honest. I watch internet porn and eat Twisties!"

[pa.]

Bloke goes to the doctor with a sore arm. Doctor takes a quick look and says "Tennis elbow."

Incensed with the very quick diagnosis, the bloke says "You can't tell me it's tennis elbow by just looking at it!"

The doctor sighs. "Ok then, give me a urine sample and we'll run it through the new computer."

So the bloke brings back the little cup, the doctor puts a few drops into the machine, and after a bit of humming a report is printed. The doctor reads it and shows it to the bloke: "Tennis Elbow."

The bloke is even more annoyed now and decides to fool the machine. He goes home and gathers a few fluids in order to confuse the computer.
Firstly he gets his daughter to provide a urine sample, then his son, he goes to the garage and adds some oil from his car, then to top it off he gives himself some manual relief and adds the result to the mix.

Next day he goes back to the doctor and says he's still really worried about his arm and could the computer check again. The doctor sighs but hands him a sample pot and sends him to the toilet.

Chuckling to himself, the bloke gets out the fluids he collected, adds them to the pot and takes them back to the doctor. Doctor puts a few drops into the machine.

The computer hums along for much longer this time, with the occasional click and whir. The bloke thinks "Yes! I've broken the smart-ass!"

Just as he's about to leave in triumph, the computer beeps and starts printing out the report. The doctor reads it then solemnly hands it to the bloke:

"Diagnosis:
- Your daughter is pregnant.
- Your son is smoking pot.
- Your car is overdue for a service.
- And if you don't stop ****ing, your tennis elbow will never get better!!"

[steveo]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[steveo]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:-

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and the re's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

That is right son, but did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[pa.]

Some nurses just drive me MAD ! ! ! ! !
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"
Or.... "are we ready for a bath?" Or... "are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
Anyway ( Get to the point will ya ! ! ) Yesterday morning at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted. . . . . . . I just smiled!

[gizza5]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the

Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard, “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is further up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!”

[the addict]

Wahhabi Fatwa issued Gizza, probably get a good stoning or crucifixion for such blasphemy against the Lord of the Worlds you dirty kafir.

[steveo]

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's a$se, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[steveo]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to

take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

> "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

> The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

> Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

> "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

> "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

> "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.

> "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

> 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

> "Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

> "I put drops in her eyes."

[the addict]

_{Oldham have said no to Ched Evens joining the club today, although Ched has taken that as a yes.}

[ham2]

_{Oldham have said no to Ched Evens joining the club today, although Ched has taken that as a yes.}

[the addict]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[the addict]

^{HEALTH ISSUES ?}

^{Do you have feelings of inadequacy?}

^{Do you suffer from shyness?}

^...

^{Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?}

^{If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.}

^{Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.}

^{You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.}

^{Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.}

^{Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.}

^{Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.}

^{Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..}

Edited January 29, 2015 by the addict

[b40rt]

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts......


Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off!

[the addict]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says, “Your wife invested £50 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.”

...

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary."