guys Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Déjà vu 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Hi, The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news." > > The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first." > > The lawyer says: "Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million." > > CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?" > > The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary." The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news.” The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer says, “Your wife invested £50 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.” ... The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary." THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... Dear me, apologies all, must try harder. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... Its not the first time you've picked me up on this mate, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Its not the first time you've picked me up on this mate, Sorry old boy.....I might have Kenny OCD or some other anxiety order. I mean, everybody, yes everybody checks (four times; even numbers are good but odd ones are evil) that they haven't left the porn in the video before they go to work ....don't they? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Back on topic: Two turnips fall madly in love with each other and get engaged to be married. The big day comes and they have the most fabulous day supported by their family and friends. They settle down in their first home together, a small, picturesque, cottage with a little garden. The only thing missing from their blissful lives was the blessing of a small baby turnip; until one day, in the garden a tiny turnip emerged. The three of them were so happy. Unfortunately, just when baby turnip was learning to roll, he accidently rolled out of the garden into the main road and was squashed under the wheel of a cement truck. After ten hours of emergency surgery the distraught Mr. and Mrs. turnip were met by the theatre doctor, they anxiously asked whether baby turnip would live? The surgeon replied: ''This is not easy to say but; yes he will but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life''. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 One for Donald and Andy at my expense. 4 people in the carriage of a train - a Scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an Welshman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Welshman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks: "I bet that Welshman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him." ... The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Welshman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him." The Welshman thinks: "I bet that the Scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me." The Scotsman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Welsh **** again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.I've got a good bottle of wine in the fridge and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Paddy runs into the pub and says ''Mick your cars just been stolen!!''''Feckin hell, did you see who stole it?''''No'' says Paddy ''But I got the registration number!!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Just to even things up lads, Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsme...n and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent"."OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said JimmyThey go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?""Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 An Englishman,Irishman and a Welshman were walking down a country-lane one day when they saw a sheep with its head caught in a hedge. The Englishman looked at the sheep's backside and said saucily ; ''Ooh, I wish that was Kim Kardashian''. The Irishman joined in and said; ''Ooh, I wish that was Katy Perry''. The Welshman added; ''I wish it was dark''. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" ... "We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the ...pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she ****in ****s on you!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Viagra have just released a new pill called 007.it doesn't make you James Bond,but it does make you Roger Moore... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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