the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.I've got a good bottle of wine in the fridge and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Paddy runs into the pub and says ''Mick your cars just been stolen!!''''Feckin hell, did you see who stole it?''''No'' says Paddy ''But I got the registration number!!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Just to even things up lads, Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsme...n and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent"."OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said JimmyThey go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?""Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 An Englishman,Irishman and a Welshman were walking down a country-lane one day when they saw a sheep with its head caught in a hedge. The Englishman looked at the sheep's backside and said saucily ; ''Ooh, I wish that was Kim Kardashian''. The Irishman joined in and said; ''Ooh, I wish that was Katy Perry''. The Welshman added; ''I wish it was dark''. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" ... "We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the ...pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she ****in ****s on you!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Since it is no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, you might want to consider this one.An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist all went together to a night club one evening.The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Viagra have just released a new pill called 007.it doesn't make you James Bond,but it does make you Roger Moore... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Two chubby teenagers go to the local chip shop which is under new management. Behind the counter is a stunningly sexy-looking playboy model dressed in a risque basque with stockings and suspenders. The boys look at the new menu and can't believe their eyes: Cod and chips £1.99 Burger and chips £1.89 Pie and chips £1.79 Sausage and chips £1.69 W4nk £1.00 One of the excited boys says shyly; 'Miss, are you the one that does the w4nks?' The model whispers seductively; 'Yesss' The boy replies; 'Could you wash your hands and get me a pie please?' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Two chubby teenagers go to the local chip shop which is under new management. Behind the counter is a stunningly sexy-looking playboy model dressed in a risque basque with stockings and suspenders. The boys look at the new menu and can't believe their eyes: Cod and chips £1.99 Burger and chips £1.89 Pie and chips £1.79 Sausage and chips £1.69 W4nk £1.00 One of the excited boys says shyly; 'Miss, are you the one that does the w4nks?' The model whispers seductively; 'Yesss' The boy replies; 'Could you wash your hands and get me a pie please?' pmsl! I'm nicking this one for elsewhere, love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 A bloke walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 calibre pistol with an 8 shot clip. He yelled, "I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out…. "You need more ammo." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 The SAILOR and the HOOKER Bud, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time’s sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needs some reassurance. He asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Bud, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 Little Johnny came home from school to see the family"s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that"s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that"s great," said little Johnny. ...A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!""What do you mean?" said Dad."Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I"m coming, I"m coming" If it hadn"t of been for Uncle George holding her down we"d have lost her for sure!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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