Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[michael_t]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland – in the Outback)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's a*** and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[the addict]

Keen to cash in on the pink pound Ikea are developing a range of furniture for gays and lesbians. Already available is a special bed for lesbians. Self assembly, but no screwing involved - it's all tongue and groove!

Lol, nice one Dave, hope to see you soon mate.

[the addict]

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained.
"I haven't had a ****in' chance yet!" replied the parrot....

[the addict]

Three couples are golfing together.
As the Swedish woman tees up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Fru! Where are your skivvies?” her husband asks.
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his pocket and tells her “Well, here is 50 Krona. Buy some!”
The English woman tees up next, and a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Wife! Where are your knickers!” her husband asks....
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his pocket and tells her “Well, here is 20 quid. Buy some!”
Finally, the Scottish wife tees up, and a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Woman! For the luv 'o God, where's your pants?” her husband asks.
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his sporran and tells her “Well, here's me comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!”

Edited February 14, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[the addict]

Ham, I know its probably on here already but its worth a second post.

I was telling this blonde barmaid in the pub about my ability to guess the day a woman was born on, just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then."
After a couple of minutes she started to lose patience and said
"Come on then,What day was I born on?"...
"Yesterday?" I replied.

[the addict]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties..?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank **** for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the damn cat.. ! "

Edited February 15, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

50 Shades of Grey is banned in Afghanistan
We cannot condone this depravity said Muhammad Adullah,

who was accompanied by his 12 year old wife and 2 kids.

[gizza5]

[the addict]

"Haram"

[pa.]

The other 3 in 4 bought those DVD's.

[the addict]

Paddy is inconsolable after his dog goes missing, his wife says, 'Why

not put an ad in the paper'. He does this and after 2 weeks he gets no

replies. 'What did you put in the paper?', asks his trusting wife,

Paddy says, 'Here boy!!!!!'.....

[the addict]

Mary got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Mary again, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Mary finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

[the addict]

Man & wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at his c&%k," says the man, "It's massive!". "Yes dear," says the wife, "but at least he's got your eyes".

Edited February 17, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

Subject: Greek Bailout

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

I like that even though I can spot the flaw.

The bailout has little to do with helping Greece, and has everything to do with buying the Banks time to remove themselves from risk, and the current money printing by the ECB will buy private bank loans from the banks in return for clean money conjured up out of thin air via the ECB.