Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

One for the Scots amongst us.........................

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and
with a big grin on his face.

" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his
best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."

" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s
chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[gizza5]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores..
Well, he's a little p****d off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Andy]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority have found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was much concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired a group of well-known Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a direct cause for these disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorists very quickly concluded the cause: Seems that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of any impending danger. They then discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[michael_t]

Came across this while bike shopping... hit a bit close to home

[the addict]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority have found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was much concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws and by analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired a group of well-known Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a direct cause for these disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorists very quickly concluded the cause: Seems that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of any impending danger. They then discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

[Andy]

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

You don't think I actually read this s*** do you?

[ham2]

Before Inspector Ham2 points it out boss, I refer you to post number 1976.

Phew, I thought it was just deja vous or that unaccountable loss of time I get when I change from Woodpecker to Strongbow

Thread retrieval:

I decided to go to the local mosque today to check out this religion thing; I calmly took a seat and the Imam came to me, placed his hands on my shoulders and wailed:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."

I told him that I was fully fit and not suffering from any disability?

He returned to me and placed his hands on my head saying:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."

Again I told him that I was healthy and without any paralysis so I walked out and found that my effin' car had been nicked.

[trialswarrior]

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish, a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said,

"Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than

that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and

I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother

Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister

caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t

talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he

said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor

said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"

Edited February 23, 2015 by trialswarrior

[gizza5]

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..."

[pa.]

Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

[the addict]

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? ...The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

[biffsgasgas]

At what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

--Zach G

[the addict]

The Mrs has jus come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait I ****in love Shepherd's Pie

Edited February 27, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone ****in cheered

[the addict]

Paddy's wife gavebirth to triplets!!"How in gods name did that happen says Paddy ??"His wife replies.Remenber the night i was dry and we had no vaseline so i used 3 in 1 oil??!"Holy Jaysus says Paddy,im ****ing glad we didn't use WD40!.