Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fift...y dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[the addict]

Paddy is sunbathing on a nude beach in spain, out of manners and to prevent sunburn, he kept a hat over is bits !!! a woman walks past sniggering and says if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat.. Paddy replies if you werent so ****ing ugly, it would lift itself!!!!!!!!!!!

[the addict]

A fat drunk lass stood up on a table in the pub I was in earlier and shouted"IF YOU CAN GUESS MY WEIGHT YOU CAN SHAG ME!". A guy at the back shouted back"ABOUT 93 STONE YOU FAT,UGLY COW!". She replied "that's close enough for me you lucky *******".........

[the addict]

The wife says, if she finds me on a porn site again, she`ll bang my head against the ****ing keyboarcchhjjdd fhurbbghjbhasdfjkluvng gggdtjksfnjkqwetyrb!w...

[the addict]

When I was young I used to have an imaginary friend, now I'm on facebook I have 2319!!..

[the addict]

Haha, I like this one, I think Ham2 will as well lol

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

...

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[the addict]

little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The c...ouple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered....
the teeth!!..

[the addict]

2 nuns are waiting in their car at the traffic lights, when a car pulls up next to them. "Oi,get your tits out penguin" shouts one of the lads. Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare, "I don't think they know who we are, just show them your cross" So Sister Clare hangs out the window and shouts, "**** off you little ***** before i give you a ******* slap!"

Edited March 1, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

_{Modern Technology}

_{I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.}

_{'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.}

_...

_{'We don't waste money on papers.'}

_{'Here, you can borrow my iPad.'}

_{I can tell you, that ****in fly never knew what hit it}

[steveo]

Australian Computer Terminology - getting ready for Broadband in the Aussie Bush!

· LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

· LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

· MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

· DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

· HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

· KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

· WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

· SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

· BYTE: What mozzies do

· MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

· CHIP: A pub snack.

· MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

· MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

· LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

· SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

· HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

· MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

· MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

· WEB: What spiders make.

· WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

· SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't start.

· CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't start.

· YAHOO: What you say when the ute does start.

· UPGRADE: A steep hill.

· SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

· MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

· USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

· NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

· INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

· NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

· ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

· OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[the addict]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at... this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."~

[the addict]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight AA0093, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... JESUS CHRIST...! OH, MY GOOD GOD !'
A Long Silence followed..!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry i...f I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants..!'
One Irish passenger yelled...
'For ****'s sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!..

[the addict]

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."...
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE:)

[the addict]

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!..."
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your ****in wheelchair there again."

[steveo]

Man Killed on Golf Course

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee.

The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,

"I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63 . . .