Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

IF YOU MARRY AN AUSSIE GIRL....
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, h...e saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...

[ham2]

Ham2, have I done the red Indian one? how they get their names?

No, pray tell good Sir?

[the addict]

No, pray tell good Sir?

Ah! good.

One day Big Chief Sitting Bull is sat with his young son in the tepee. Dad the young Indian says, why are we all called funny names like Sitting Bull - Soaring Eagle and Running Deer? The chief tells his young son, well when a mother is heavy with child she goes into the forest to give birth in peace and quiet, at the moment the new baby comes out of the womb the mother names the child after the first thing she see's in the forest. The chief turns to his son and says....................................... "now is there anything else you'd like to ask me......"Two dogs shagging"?

Edited March 9, 2015 by the addict

[pa.]

Ah! good.

One day Big Chief Sitting Bull is sat with his young son in the tepee. Dad the young Indian says, why are we all called funny names like Sitting Bull - Soaring Eagle and Running Deer? The chief tells his young son, well when a mother is heavy with child she goes into the forest to give birth in peace and quiet, at the moment the new baby comes out of the womb the mother names the child after the first thing she see's in the forest. The chief turns to his son and says....................................... "now is there anything else you'd like to ask me......"Two dogs shagging"?

And that children is how The Addict got his name.

[steve_earle]

The chiefs wife was called 5 horses.............................Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag.

[pa.]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said."Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says"stit ruoy su wohs".

[gizza5]

First day back at school in Birmingham, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here miss."

"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here miss."

"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here miss."

"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here miss."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here miss."

"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, miss, I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen

[gizza5]

I was standing on the weighing scales sucking my stomach in and the wife started laughing said, "that wont do much good"?
So i replied "yes it will i can see the numbers now"!

[the addict]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wif...e in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[pa.]

In class the teacher was asking the kids to use words in a sentence.

"Can anyone use the word 'hospital' in a sentence?"

Annie sticks up her hand. "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

"Yes, Annie?"

"Last year my Dad broke his arm and had to go to hospital!" Annie proudly says.

"Very good, Annie. Now... how about the word 'medicine'?" asks the teacher.

Annie is the only one to put up her hand. "Miss! Oh, Miss!" she squeaks.

Teacher sighs. "Yes, Annie?"

"When my Dad went to hospital, the nurse gave him lots of medicine for his pain." Annie says.

"Yes, that's a good use of the word," says the teacher. "Last one, and this one is a bit harder. Can anyone use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

The room is absolutely still except for Annie tentatively raising her hand again. "Anyone else?" asks the teacher.

At the back of the room, rocked back on his chair and picking his nose, Little Johnny says "I know one, Miss."

The teacher is surprised and pleased that Little Johnny is taking an interest. "Yes, Johnny?" she asks.

Little Johnny says....

"When my Dad and me were out in the car the other day, a truck carrying oranges had lost its load, and my Dad said 'It's going to take some poor contagious to pick those buggers up!'"

[the addict]

Sydney radio show thought this funny....

The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".
Contestant: "Brian"
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: "Yes".
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please
Brian: "Sara"
DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"
DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes"
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."
DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh"
Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: "On the kitchen table"
DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this"
(3 minutes of commercials follow)
DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?"
(touch tones...ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos"
DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she"
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No"
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
Sara: (laughing) "yes"
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning"
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"
DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes"
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell them honey"
DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
Sara: "well....."
DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
Sara: "Up the a***..."
After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"

[pa.]

There was a bit of confusion at Hunting & Fishing store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to Mike about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[pa.]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.


"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.


"Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".


Archie nods approvingly.


"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.


"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."


"Och," says Jimmy,


"Ai'd imagine she'll be in white.”

[steveo]

An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.

A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.

Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.

Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.

Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.

Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.

Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.

Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.

Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.

Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100

Doctor : But This Is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will be $50

[the addict]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."