the addict Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was al...most sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 I've disconnected my home alarm system and un-registered from Neighbourhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local police, MI5, MI6, and Secret Service are watching my house 24/7. For FREE. I've never felt safer, and I am saving £49.95 a month 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Blonde in church An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible mis-understanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen brother! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes". "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Science shows that the owl has the sharpest hearing on the planet..... Clearly they have never tested it on a man watching porn while his wife is sleeping..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me just before he died. "Are you still holding that ****ing ladder?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Paddy tells Mick he's thinkin of buying a ladrador,"**** off!" saysMick...."Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!".. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 I Slept like a baby last night.I **** myself and woke up screaming. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up,...The Canvas Is Spread,The Hell With Breakfast,Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read: Take The Tent Pole Down,Put The Canvas Away,The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read: The Tent Pole’s Still Up,And The Canvas Still Spread,So Drop What You’re Doing,And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read: I’m Sure That Your Pole’sThe Best In The Land.But I’m Busy Right Now,So Do It By Hand. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The c...atfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia . Hwoevr tihs is olny ni etxreem caess of slef aubse!!. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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