the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labour."**** you!" she screamed back at me.Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 How do you know if someone has an iPhone?They tell you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doingPaddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of thisFlagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few...Bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, andAnnounced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening."I'm so horny that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid.Are you free tonight?""Yes!" he replied enthusiastically."Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 A drunken & totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia.. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab. ... "What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,Where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me ? " 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted April 1, 2015 Report Share Posted April 1, 2015 How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you. Too f****** true! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2015 Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" Driver replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" Driver again replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!" Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish ****, I'm gritting!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted April 5, 2015 Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" Driver replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" Driver again replies, "**** off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!" Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish ****, I'm gritting!" I believe that would be the salt truck for those of us in the States..........well the Northern States at least. Down South all they use Salt for is seasoning. So the Texans and Floridians might be wondering why the Northern States want their roads to taste better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted April 5, 2015 Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 I believe that would be the salt truck for those of us in the States..........well the Northern States at least. Down South all they use Salt for is seasoning. So the Texans and Floridians might be wondering why the Northern States want their roads to taste better. It's to season all the road kill. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2015 Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend.....If you are sleeping send me your dreams!....If you are laughing send me your smile!....If you are crying send me your tear drops!..He replies:I am having a ****,what do i do? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 Cinderella you shall go to the ball said the Fairy Godmother. You must be back by midnight though or your fanny will turn into a pumpkin. Cinderella went to the ball and spent most of the evening dancing with a very tall, dark handsome Prince, she whispered in his ear, “what is your name my prince” he replied “why I’m Prince Peter the Pumpkin eater” what time do have to go home?................... 3.15 replied Cinderella. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained ...to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!" Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the government approach of giving you something ****ty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?' I said 'Tourettes, you ******, now **** off!' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber... and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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