the addict Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was al...most sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 I've disconnected my home alarm system and un-registered from Neighbourhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local police, MI5, MI6, and Secret Service are watching my house 24/7. For FREE. I've never felt safer, and I am saving £49.95 a month 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Blonde in church An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible mis-understanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen brother! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 25, 2015 Report Share Posted March 25, 2015 Hi, Remember........................ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 27, 2015 Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 27, 2015 Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi, A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No ..... ," he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible ........ !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ...... ? He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married." "Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ...... ?" The man shakes his head .. .. .,"No ..... they're all at the funeral........." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes". "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2015 Science shows that the owl has the sharpest hearing on the planet..... Clearly they have never tested it on a man watching porn while his wife is sleeping..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 28, 2015 Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi, This surprise announcement follows Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the Australian Government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Aboriginal youths in their pit crew. "The decision to hire the youths followed the recent ABC television documentary showing how Aboriginal youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's regular pit crew can only do this in eight seconds with the aid of millions of dollars in high tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were confident the hiring of the Aboriginal youths would provide a decided advantage over every other F1 team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop, the Aboriginal crew changed all four wheels in under six seconds but within twelve seconds had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for ten cases of Toohey's New, an HQ Holden, and a quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 28, 2015 Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 THE TEXT MESSAGEHi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have aconfession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past fewmonths and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you toyour face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live withmyself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have beensharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've leftfor work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's noexcuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longerlive with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologiesand forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONSBob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into hisbedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice,killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he pouredhimself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phoneto respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:- THE REPLYHi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure younoticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted March 29, 2015 Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) hi, Aeronautical Quiz They say it is common sense but here is a Clue: Just remember that a helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane’s wing, and both catch air giving lift... now answer the question... This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you. The Question: “What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?" SEE ANSWER BELOW Edited March 29, 2015 by laird387 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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