Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day ...was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!..

[the addict]

 _{met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'}

[ham2]

A lot of people were shocked to hear about the death of Keith Harris , apparently it's left Orville speechless.

[the addict]

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed..Inside he found 3 eggs,and £7000 in cash"What are the eggs for?" asks the husband.She replied,"Everytime we had crap sex,i would put an egg in the box."Not bad" says the husband,"3 eggs in 35 yrs,and the cash?"She replies,"Everytime i got a dozen i sold them...

[pa.]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone."Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing." You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit.Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit.......Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

[the addict]

IT'S A BOY! I shouted A BOY,I DON'T BELIEVE IT,IT'S A BOY!!
And with tears streaming down my face,i swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!!

[the addict]

They say 1 in every 4 men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

[the addict]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I ha...ve been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."

[the addict]

 I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening."That's my husband," she said,"Quick,try the back door",I knew I should left before her husband caught me,but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that....

[the addict]

I've heard recently that Viagra is now avalilable in powder form,for use in your tea...It doesn't improve your sexual performance,but it does stop your biscuit from going ****in soft!!....

[the addict]

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so ...he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[steve_earle]

A farmer goes to his solicitor.

 

"I wanna divorce my wife" He says.

 

"O.K, What grounds do you have? The solicitor replies.

 

"Oh front Garden, Back garden..."

 

"No", says the solicitor, you must have misheard me, Let me put it another way "Do you have a grudge?"

 

"Arr", Says the Farmer, "But I can't fit the car in it anymore".

 

"Your'e still not getting me" The solicitor replies, Put it this way "Is your wife a nagger?"

 

"No" says the Farmer "But I caught her Sh****ng one and I want a divorce".

[the addict]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

Eventually the knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

...

Then he suddenly looked through the window.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, "I can see you in there, open the door!"

"You're not coming in, mate!" I replied.

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[the addict]

The teacher asked the class to use the word " fascinate " in a sentence.

Molly’s hand went up and she said, "At my granddad's farm, his pet sheep was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating?"

Sally raised her hand next. She said, "Rock City was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

...

But when Little Johnny raised his hand, the teacher hesitated because as we all know little Johnny burns teachers . Finally she decided he could not damage the word "fascinate "so she called on him.

Johnny said, My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!?

[copemech]

Joke of the day, me with the phone cam! I just cana get thing right, anyway!

Bloody ugly new car in the shop today! I'm sure I will have to test when finished! At least they are more comfortable than the $100k Viper sitting next to it!

707HP is fun, though!