Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op!!..

Edited April 29, 2015 by the addict

[kmac]

HUSBAND STORE 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

  (scroll and keep reading!) 

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex. 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[pa.]

Senior Citizens Dating Ads

 

1. I am a foxy lady, sexy, fashion conscious and a blue rinse hair beauty, mid 80's, slim,5'4'' ( used to be 5'6'') searching for sharp looking , sharp dressing companion with matching white shoes and trouser belt.

2. Recent widow who has just buried 4th husband, looking for someone to round out a 6 unit plot. Dizziness. fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

3. I am very feminine aged 79, into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, lets get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy the quiet times.

4.I am an active great grandmother of 82 young years,having my original teeth, seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob,and caramel candy.

5. I am a young 76 male, and still like to rock, cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights. I play the guitar. If you are a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, lets get together and horizontally rock away the days we both have left.

6. An old male body of 79 but young and active in my mind, because I can usually remember Monday to Thursday each week, and therefore if you are a like minded female that can remember Friday Saturday and Sunday, then lets put our 2 heads together.

7. Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair up top, many new parts including hip,knee, cornea, valves, and 1 glass eye. I am not in running condition, but can walk well.

[the addict]

I was sitting on the train opposite a really sexy Thai girl today when I suddenly thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection!" But she did..

[the addict]

I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?"

The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?"

I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?"

He says, "I haven't got time for all that."

I said, "You ****ing found time yesterday!!..

[pa.]

Jim goes to the golf pro at his club for some expert advice & asks: "What should I do about the correct way to hold the golf club"? "Hold the golf club gently" the pro replied, just like you'd hold onto your wifes breasts whilst performing horizontal exercises". Accepting this advice, Jim tees off & hits the golf ball straight up the fairway for about 300 metres.

Jim was ecstatic & went home to tell his lovely wife the expert advice he had received from the golf pro which proved 100%. The good wife couldn't wait for her lesson from the pro golfer at the club.

The next day when the wife went for her lesson, the pro instructor watched her swing the club & said "No, No No your gripping the club way too hard: "What then can I do". The Instructor said: " Hold the club gently, just the same way you'd hold onto you husbands penis". The wife then took a swing with the club & the ball skipped about 5 metres. The pro instructor said: "That's a lot better then I expected, now take the golf club out of your mouth & hold it in your hands".

[laird387]

Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

[laird387]

The Office Party
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
"He's an *******," Dave said "I could p*** on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, **** him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday ...."

 

 

 

 

[the addict]

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive c...are with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s a*** and a car hit me.

 

[the addict]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized....
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your ****ing horse phoned!

[the addict]

_{Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?" "Yes please," he said sheepishly. I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat a*** and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim!!..}

[the addict]

I suggested to the wife that she should shave her **** to spice up our love life.........l woke up bald this morning!!..

[laird387]

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:

 "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's ladyfriend? " 

Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn,  Miss”.

 "No Paddy ," says the teacher.  "The answer is Maid Marion ".

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.

[the addict]

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a ****ing chimney."

...

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

[the addict]

_{A Jewish daughter says to her mother..
..... "I'm divorcing Nathan."}

 

 

_{All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."}

 

_...

_{Her mother says .....}

_{"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...}

_{Over 45 pence..?}