pa. Posted May 26, 2015 Report Share Posted May 26, 2015 A bloke had a serious motorbike accident, and following partial recovery, his mates took him out for a beer but left him lying on the beach, both arms and both legs in plaster.A little while after his mates left him there, three gorgeous women walked past, and the first woman said to him, "Have you had a hug since you've been like that?"Bloke said "well, No." So she gave him a big Hug.Second woman says to him, "Have you had a kiss since you've been like that?"Bloke says "well, No." So she gave him a big kiss.Third woman says to him, "Have you been F****d since you've been like that?"Bloke says. "well, No." So she says, "WELL, YOU WILL BE in around ten minutes, the tide's coming in." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Thought for the day: 1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue! 2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6 * If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8 * Never buy a car you can't push. 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 15 * Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, they're up!" 16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. Edited June 1, 2015 by laird387 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband. "Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling." "Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please." ...The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for you sex life, love."To which the old woman replies, "no, but it'll stop him p****** in his ****ing slippers!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2015 A woman gets on the bus to Belfast with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman takes her seat, fuming. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me."The man says, "You shouldn't have to take that. You go tell him off. I'll hold your monkey!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 At the risk of going straight to hell.....NicodermTwo priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposedto put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.I'm down to two butts a day.' 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hmmmmm? Ham Police could be after for me for this one? might be a duplicate but worth a second read. A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black ...Harley chopper in the driveway.The biker asks, "Do you drink?"The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2015 Bought the Wife a Pug dog. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly as ****, the dog seems to like her! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) I’ve never written to anyone before about personal problems, but I really thought that Trials Central users could give me some advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street as if someone dropped her off from around the corner.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I would park my Montesa 4rt outside next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the head gasket on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Edited June 5, 2015 by the addict 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted June 6, 2015 Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 Sorry to hear that Percy Sledge has died recently...apparently he'd been going downhill for sometime. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2015 Mate called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest" mate said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase!!.. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2015 Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10KMan: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit.Man: That's no ****ing good....I want her dead, not kneecapped!!.. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait. i ****in love Shepherd's Pie 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted June 11, 2015 Report Share Posted June 11, 2015 Telephone rings, woman answers.Pervert, breathing heavily, says,"I bet you have a tight a*** with no hair?"Woman replies,"Yes, I have, he's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?" 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted June 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2015 How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at a shag. "I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror." "Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror??" ..."Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a look in it." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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