steveo Posted July 30, 2015 Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 A lady walks into a Chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, ..."Crikey! -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michael_t Posted July 31, 2015 Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) Edited July 31, 2015 by michael_t 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted August 1, 2015 Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) Who is her Daddy? Edited August 7, 2015 by pa. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted August 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2015 An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this ****ing church."The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?""Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this ****ing church!""I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation....The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language.They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?""There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the ****ing lottery and I want to join this ****ing church to get rid of some of this ****ing money.""I see," said the Bishop, "and is this **** giving you a hard time?" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) From Facebook: THE IRISH PROSTITUTE An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !! Edited August 9, 2015 by guys 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 The Golf MatchStevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.""But, how do you putt?", asks Woods."Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"Stevie says, "Pick a night! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted August 12, 2015 Report Share Posted August 12, 2015 Suicide Counselling A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy smelly tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old *******!" He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump ......... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted August 18, 2015 Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Oldie but a goodie. Biff 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and ****s in bed. Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window. The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing. "Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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