the addict Posted July 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2015 The teacher stood in front of her class and said "right children, today we are going to look at the alphabet. I want you to name something beginning with a letter and then describe it to me. We'll start with the letter A"Little Johnny's hand was up in a flash, the teacher ignored him as she knew the swear words he was thinking of. She turned to little Mary an said " yes Mary. "A is for apple" she replied "very good Mary and what is an apple" "An apple is a green or red fruit"... said Mary."Okay now we'll try the letter B" said the teacher, again little Jihnny's hand was up in a flash and again the teacher ignored him "yes Jamie" "B is for Bread Miss" said Little Jamie, "very good Jamie" said the teacher and what is bread" Bread is brown or white cooked dough" said Jamie. "Excellent" said the teacher, now "C" Yet again with Johnny's hand but again the teacher knew swear words so ignored him. "Yes Jenny" "C is for Carrot miss, an orange vegetable" " very good said the teacher. Now the letter D" Johnny's hand was the first up, the teacher couldn't think of a swear word beginning with D so she said "yes Johnny" "D is for dwarf miss" said Johnny, "excellent " said the teacher, and what is a dwarf Johnny, " He's a little fat ******* with ****ing big ears" said Johnny!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted July 2, 2015 Report Share Posted July 2, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted July 4, 2015 Report Share Posted July 4, 2015 I heard a feminist joke today that made me chuckle An Afghan lady was walking 20ft behind her husband when a renowned feminist said to her, "We have fought for years since the suffragette to get women's rights and be equals with men so you can walk beside you husband... So why are you back to the dark ages and walking 20ft behind him again? She leant over and whispered in her ear .. " Land mines" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted July 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2015 I heard a feminist joke today that made me chuckle An Afghan lady was walking 20ft behind her husband when a renowned feminist said to her, "We have fought for years since the suffragette to get women's rights and be equals with men so you can walk beside you husband... So why are you back to the dark ages and walking 20ft behind him again? She leant over and whispered in her ear .. " Land mines" Although more than likely in Afghanistan the women would be walking well before the man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge." "Yes." "It looks like we have a homicide here. " "What happened?" "A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped." "Have you placed her under arrest?" "Not yet sir. The floor is still wet. " 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?' The other woman says,'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?' ‘The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims,'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are p****d again'. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a service station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH YOUR WISHES!!!! 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...... A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet and romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful and should remember fairies are FEMALE 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) I said to the missus, " I'm off out to the pub so get your coat on" " she said " Am I coming then?" I said , " No, I'm turning the heating off " Edited July 7, 2015 by atomant 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trialswarrior Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 A man is sitting in a saloon in Paso Robles, California andwas far from home when Barack Obama came on TV.The man looked at the TV and said, "Obama is ahorse's ass."Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in theface, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.The man got back up, rubbed his cheek and ordered anotherbeer.Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.The man looked at the TV and said "She is a horse's ass too!"Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other sideof the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.The man gets back up and looks at the bartender, "Itake it this is Obama country?""Nope,” replies the bartender, "Horse country." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking and the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted July 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
english electric Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 a bloke went to the doctors with a big frog growing out the side of his head the doctor went OMG how the hell did that start off . and the frog replied as a boil on my fecking ar$e 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted July 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 a bloke went to the doctors with a big frog growing out the side of his head the doctor went OMG how the hell did that start off . and the frog replied as a boil on my fecking ar$e lol, one of Bernard's I believe God bless him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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