guys Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 Rickets, malnutrition, conscription into the war to end all wars, white feathers if you were a conscientious objector, shot as a coward if you suffered PTSD .... By Jove old chap, I'm afraid that went right over my head. James googled it on my behalf, but I'm still flabbergasted by my ignorance. Oh well, no harm no foul. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzuki250 Posted October 1, 2015 Report Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) My Nan had the rule across the knuckles at school which permanently damaged her hand! Not forgetting those childhood favourites, Polio & TB The good old days.... Edited October 1, 2015 by suzuki250 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 --Biff 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 10, 2015 Report Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) Probably been posted before, but made me larf! Wife comes storming into the kitchen and says to her husband, didn't you hear me falling down the chuffing stairs? Husband says ........Sorry I thought that was the start of Eastenders! Edited October 10, 2015 by gizza5 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted October 12, 2015 Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 A Harley bikie is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The bikie jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and belts the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the little girl, and the bikie grabs her and returns her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, that was the most gallant and bravest thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley bikie replies, 'It was nothing, really . . . the lion was behind bars . . . I saw this little kid in danger and did what I thought was right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, pulling out a pad and a pencil he said, 'What do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The bikie replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH” That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Paddy & Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both!!.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. ... Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f--- are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the ****in' ship?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rusty ken Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 An English man goes into a pub... there is usually an Irish man, a Welsh man and a scots man with him, but they're still at the World Cup. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 16, 2015 Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’ Not All Seniors Are Senile... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted October 19, 2015 Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 --Biff 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 This is quite bad................................. Mary Poppins was travelling home one evening, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't nice at all," replied Mary. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book? We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book, and then left to continue her journey home. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to read her comment........."Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Dealing with a recent plumbing issue here at the house reminded me of a few pranks from my youth. (plumbing problem alone is trials related and actually quite funny but that is for another day) So when I was a youth I used to torment my parents in unique ways. Calling as a telemarketer during dinner and the like. One day I went to my mom and and told her that I had accidentally done an "upper decker". She had no clue what that was so I had to explain it to her. For those that don't know, an upper decker is when you take a dump in the tank part of a toilet. Here in Murica we don't have the 30cm by 20cm button on the wall. We have a tank with a lever. So I proceed to explain to her what an upper decker was and that it was totally by accident. She was beside herself trying to process how that could have been an accident but I proceeded to explain that i was tired from the night before and that I could tell that something wasn't right when i lifted the lid but had to really go. She proceeds to call my dad from the other room and is trying to explain what I had done. I then proceeded to tell them that its worse... I indicated that I had corn the night before and that was causing the flushed toilet to not stop flushing. (flapper on the bottom of the toilet tank wasn't sealing as it should) My parents house has a Septic system (no sewage in the country where i grew up) and the septic system has a limit as to how much water it can take before it starts over flowing. Well that sent my elderly parents into a tizzy about what do we do, who do we call, how could you, ect... ect... In reality i had not done any of this but it was one heck of a reaction. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and they are still doing well today. Another toilet related prank was a college friend was having a party for a bunch of fellow engineering students. As the night proceeded one of the students decided to put Quickerette (30 lb bag of cement) in the toilet tank. This wasn't discovered till the next day by the host of the party. Never invite engineers to your parties. Ok off to resolve the problem I have at the moment. Thanks for reading! --Biff Edited October 21, 2015 by biffsgasgas 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.