Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' said the Irishman.

'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.. One hundred.'

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'

'So, when do I start?'

[steve_earle]

Sadly they wouldn't let him enter.........................................................Hydraulic front brake!!!!

[northyorkie]

Pretty scary stuff this Halloween.

[wakka]

I bet if see saw what was behind, that would wipe the smile off lol

[the addict]

[atomant]

[gizza5]

Christ I know I am over 50, but the last two posts I even had to step back from the screen with my readers on?   

[the addict]

[the addict]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come
Work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and
Legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really...
Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
Wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
Better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say
And I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house!!”

[the addict]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened....
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.
By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’
‘Now wot da hell would you say

Edited November 11, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

One for Donald Y and Andy

 

 

Edited November 11, 2015 by the addict

[gizza5]

FROZEN CARBURETOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor...

Last January, on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

.

.

.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill..."

[gizza5]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck,

decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark

waters off Gun wharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a

young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of

jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her

back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what;

I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on

board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the

lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll

look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just

have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the

sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the

sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and

making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was

performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He

peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an

explanation

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to

Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here

and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he

replied,

.

.

.

'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry .'

[gizza5]

A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly p****d off now, flips a page on his sheet.

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi."

[gizza5]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. 
However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well,what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"