Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

[the addict]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three ****in hours ago!"

[the addict]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"H...appy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[the addict]

[the addict]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pa...ir of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

 

Edited November 20, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

[the addict]

[the addict]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for gorilla removers.
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knoc...k the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

[the addict]

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together...
" Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but she was insistent on knowing,
" what is the problem??....."
I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!

[the_oil_baron]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we

 

stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and

 

there was a sign attached that said,

 

 

 THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

 

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, and

 

"He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."

 

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

 

 

"WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him."

 

 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

 

in capital letters,

 

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

 

"That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

 

I looked at her and said,

 

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical

 

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Edited December 4, 2015 by the_oil_baron

[the addict]

Ebay

 

Snowman for sale, needs some attention, £5.00 ono

 

[the addict]

[the addict]

[the_oil_baron]

I was once asked by Procter & Gamble to survey women to find out which soap they prefered using when showering.

 

Their overwhelming response might surprise you as much as it did me.

I asked 100 women, what their favorite soap in the shower was and the most popular response was:

 

 

 

"How the F*** did you get in here?!?!"

[the addict]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy ,
I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while...
back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass &
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was
going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after
all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"
After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather
do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery '
I remembered where I left me hat."