pa. Posted January 29, 2016 Report Share Posted January 29, 2016 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2016 The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was i'll .... lol, I've pinched that for elsewhere, ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 lol, I've pinched that for elsewhere, ha What is so funny here? That is sad! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandad in the hospital "How are you, Grandad?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?!" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"..... Like 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 What is so funny here? That is sad! You are joking Mark? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish ? "She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick *******!!!!! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 You are joking Mark? You should be ashamed of yourself. Ill report pilfering! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 Wait and watch for the finger! https://youtu.be/5SZfznYgToc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 Although a bad one, this must be a joke. Right? https://nowthisnews.com/st-joseph-la-has-been-suffering-a-water-crisis-for-a-decade-9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives the...m a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?""I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...."Dopey f****d a penguin! Dopey f****d a penguin!!. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives the...m a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.... "Dopey f****d a penguin! Dopey f****d a penguin!!. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2016 My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.I've got a good bottle of wine in the fridge and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 The Addict walks into a Montesa dealership he browses around, then spots the perfect 300RR and walks over to inspect it. As he bends over to feel the controls and lush suspension he unleashes a loud fart! Very embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as he turns back, sure enough, there standing next to him is a salesman. Good day sir how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what he has just done, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely Montesa 300RR?" He answers, "Sir if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when you hear the price 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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