Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

The Addict walks into a Montesa dealership he browses around, then spots the perfect 300RR and walks over to inspect it.

As he bends over to feel the controls and lush suspension he unleashes a loud fart!

Very embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But as he turns back, sure enough, there standing next to him is a salesman.

Good day sir how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what he has just done, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely Montesa 300RR?"

He answers, "Sir if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when you hear the price

[the addict]

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...
They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O' Lee

[the addict]

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was thesame with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his ****ing pram...

[the addict]

I was in Tesco recently, when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating:
"Ooii, I thought you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said..??
"No I didn't" I said, as I arranged the Washing Powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team."

[baldilocks]

Sydney radio show thought this funny....

The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".

Contestant: "Brian"

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes".

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"

DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes"

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"

DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh"

Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: "On the kitchen table"

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this"

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?"

(touch tones...ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos"

DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she"

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"

Sara: (laughing) "yes"

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning"

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"

DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes"

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell them honey"

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"

Sara: "well....."

DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"

Sara: "Up the a***..."

After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"

Oi that was my joke about 3 / 4 years ago when Kenny started

[the addict]

Oi that was my joke about 3 / 4 years ago when Kenny started

Edited February 10, 2016 by the addict

[baldilocks]

Yes mate Im good, im better for reading this lot.

[atomant]

A Chinese guy comes into the pub and stands next to me and starts drinking a pint of beer

 

I said to him " Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung-Fu, Ju-Jitsu or Karate?"

 

He says " Why da F*k you ask me dat. Is it coz I Chinese ?"

 

"No" I said , " It's because you're drinking my F***ing Beer!"

 

[the addict]

[slapshot 3]

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board
Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thinks for a moment.
He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.

Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.

God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them buggers ugly again."

[ham2]

Kenny Police is Hams job, hope you're well mate.

 

I've had to accept that it's a thankless task. I could be such a jobsworth you know.

 

Reminds me of the continuous theme running in the Viz comic whenever someone wrote in and offered the 'top-tip' of:

Why spend so much money on a personalised number plate?

I saved a fortune by changing my name by deed poll to NB53 PDY.

 

The editor would rip into the sender with;'This is currently the 263rd time someone has sent in this joke without reading previous issues...what a w****r.'

 

[the addict]

[the addict]

[the addict]

My wife came into my shed complaining about my inventions that she said never work anyway.
It was at this point that the Slap-a-**** 3000 GTI automatic proved her wrong

Edited February 12, 2016 by the addict

[pa.]

I thought Andy drove a Subaru.