Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

Well it is Valentines day tomorrow.

 

Bought the wife a dozen red roses, she said "I suppose I'll have to open me legs for them now"............ I said.................................haven't you got a vase?

Edited February 13, 2016 by the addict

[biffsgasgas]

Ohy veh.... Unless it involves bike choice I am not political but..... This.... Face palm http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/12/politics/donald-trump-autographs-baby-crowdsurfing/

--Biff

Edited February 13, 2016 by biffsgasgas

[copemech]

"Twitter Biffsgasgas"

 

That just SOUNDS gay!  

[the addict]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson retire early to bed for a quickie. Watson obligingly bends over the bed and Holmes starts spreading Lemon Curd over Watson's a***. "Holmes, what on earth are you doing back there?", Holmes replies, "Lemon Entry, my dear Watson, Lemon Entry!!..

[the addict]

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight a...t he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! ffs Go home!"

[the addict]

An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the docto...rs on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 euros, but I have already sealed the envelope."

[atomant]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

 

I was in an 80's band called prevention! .. They were better than The Cure ..

 

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot

 

You know what they say about cliffhangers......

 

 

[b40rt]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies,

"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says,

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[slapshot 3]

Arriving home, Justin was met by his sobbing wife.

 

Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

 

Justin jumped in his van and drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just
a minute... Mate, hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to
go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to
realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I Had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn
phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a bag of one and
two pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and
they spilled all over the floor I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger
back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate,
as God is my witness, all I did was tell her..........

[slapshot 3]

There was a Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic Church and a Jewish Synagogue in a small town. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many in number there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but by all accounts they took one squirrel and circumcised him…….. they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[b40rt]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies,

"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says,

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

You should like this Donald, it's one of yours ,

[slapshot 3]

You should like this Donald, it's one of yours ,

 

Thought it was familiar.... you well??

[slapshot 3]

Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.

This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 

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Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
I had *** all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada .
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got *** all for breakfast'.

Edited February 24, 2016 by slapshot 3

[slapshot 3]

...There is shortly to be a new magazine launched in 26 parts entitled 'Constipated Monthly'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With your first issue you get a free ring binder.

[slapshot 3]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
She's 21 and her name's Melanie

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's , his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' she replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the dogs'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Edited February 24, 2016 by slapshot 3