Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

^{Paddy & Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both!!..}

 

 

[the addict]

[laird387]

Hi,

 

How To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT

 

Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and shout, “There’s no paper in here!”

 

[gizza5]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

with a vibrator.

... Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing

is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side

of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five,

unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.

Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip ,

placed the groceries on the kitchen

counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living

room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f--- are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[gizza5]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****in' ship?"

[rusty ken]

An English man goes into a pub...

there is usually an Irish man, a Welsh man and a scots man with him, but they're still at the World Cup.

[laird387]

Hi,

 

A man out hunting one day made a classic mistake. He positioned his loaded-and-cocked shotgun rather carelessly when he was climbing over a fence, with the result that it toppled over and discharged in his direction.

 

Some hours later, a doctor approached him in his hospital bed as he was waking from surgery.

 

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you've had a lucky escape. The damage was local to your groin, no internal vessels or structures have been compromised, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." 
 

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. 
 

"The bad news is that quite a number of pellets penetrated your penis and have left holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Why, is she a plastic surgeon?"

 

"Not exactly," the doctor replied. "She's a flautist in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*ss in your eye."

 

[gizza5]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past

Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He

told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now

and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said

'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

[laird387]

A man out hunting one day made a classic mistake. He positioned his loaded-and-cocked shotgun rather carelessly when he was climbing over a fence, with the result that it toppled over and discharged in his direction.

 

Some hours later, a doctor approached him in his hospital bed as he was waking from surgery.

 

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you've had a lucky escape. The damage was local to your groin, no internal vessels or structures have been compromised, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." 
 

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. 
 

"The bad news is that quite a number of pellets penetrated your penis and have left holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Why, is she a plastic surgeon?"

 

"Not exactly," the doctor replied. "She's a flautist in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*ss in your eye."

 

[laird387]

HI,

[biffsgasgas]

 

--Biff

[gizza5]

This is quite bad.................................

 

Mary Poppins was travelling home one evening, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. 
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. 
"Certainly madam", 
he replied courteously. 
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. 
"Sorry, no," 
came the reply, 
"but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" 
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. 
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," 
said Mary. 
"Certainly madam," 
he replied. 
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" 
asked Mary politely. 
The receptionist nodded and smiled. 
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," 
Mary mused. 
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. 
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. 
The same guy was still on the desk. 
"Morning madam...sleep well?" 
"Yes, thank you," 
Mary replied. 
"Food to your liking?" 
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't nice at all," 
replied Mary. 
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book? 
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. 
"Ok I will...thanks!" 
replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, 
then scribbled a comment into the book, and then left to continue her journey home. 
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to read her comment
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"

[laird387]

 Hi, 

 

 A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,

"May I help you?"

 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

 

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

 

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open...

and that's a maintenance matter."

 

[biffsgasgas]

Dealing with a recent plumbing issue here at the house reminded me of a few pranks from my youth. (plumbing problem alone is trials related and actually quite funny but that is for another day)

 

So when I was a youth I used to torment my parents in unique ways. Calling as a telemarketer during dinner and the like. One day I went to my mom and and told her that I had accidentally done an "upper decker". She had no clue what that was so I had to explain it to her.

 

For those that don't know, an upper decker is when you take a dump in the tank part of a toilet. Here in Murica we don't have the 30cm by 20cm button on the wall. We have a tank with a lever. 

 

So I proceed to explain to her what an upper decker was and that it was totally by accident. She was beside herself trying to process how that could have been an accident but I proceeded to explain that i was tired from the night before and that I could tell that something wasn't right when i lifted the lid but had to really go. 

 

She proceeds to call my dad from the other room and is trying to explain what I had done. I then proceeded to tell them that its worse... I indicated that I had corn the night before and that was causing the flushed toilet to not stop flushing. (flapper on the bottom of the toilet tank wasn't sealing as it should) My parents house has a Septic system (no sewage in the country where i grew up) and the septic system has a limit as to how much water it can take before it starts over flowing. 

 

Well that sent my elderly parents into a tizzy about what do we do, who do we call, how could you, ect... ect... In reality i had not done any of this but it was one heck of a reaction. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and they are still doing well today.

 

 

Another toilet related prank was a college friend was having a party for a bunch of fellow engineering students. As the night proceeded one of the students decided to put Quickerette (30 lb bag of cement) in the toilet tank. This wasn't discovered till the next day by the host of the party. Never invite engineers to your parties.

 

Ok off to resolve the problem I have at the moment. Thanks for reading!

 

--Biff

Edited October 21, 2015 by biffsgasgas

[laird387]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight over the edge into the creek.............            

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.                                                 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" 

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..." 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

Edited October 21, 2015 by laird387