Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' said the Irishman.

'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.. One hundred.'

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'

'So, when do I start?'

[laird387]

Hi,

 

Spotted this potential convert looking for a ride in classic trials in sunnier climes............

[steve_earle]

Sadly they wouldn't let him enter.........................................................Hydraulic front brake!!!!

[northyorkie]

Pretty scary stuff this Halloween.

[wakka]

I bet if see saw what was behind, that would wipe the smile off lol

[the addict]

[laird387]

HI,

 

Try this..............

[laird387]

HI,

 

 

 Should I  Really     (  How true is this !)
Join Face book?  (Priceless)

 

 

 

 

 

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book, so my seven kids, their spouses,  my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the  modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as  Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
My phone was  beeping every three minutes with the details of everything  except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not  ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf  bag.
The kids  bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every  now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep  that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I  am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing  in line at ASDA talking to my wife and everyone in the  nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid  out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the  GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that  gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long  time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,  "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It  was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a  deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.   Then if I made a right turn instead.  Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get  really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross  streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the  GPS lady, at least she loves me.
The world is  just getting too complex for me.  
They even mess me up every  time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle  on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I  check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth  reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take  them with me. Now I toss  it back to them.  When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?"  I  just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am

bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn  to stare at me with a blank look.  I was recently asked if I  tweet.  I answered, "No, but I do fart a  lot."
We senior  citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door  remote are about all we can handle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
A good laugh  for people in the over 60 group!

 
When I  bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with  1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos,  pictures and communicates with Face book and Twitter.

 

 

[atomant]

[gizza5]

Christ I know I am over 50, but the last two posts I even had to step back from the screen with my readers on?   

[laird387]

Hi,

 

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. 

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. 

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. 

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" 

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees 

Edited November 9, 2015 by laird387

[the addict]

[laird387]

hi,

 

A _soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he

asked, "Please, may I hide under your

skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two

Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister,

have you seen a soldier?11

The nun replied, "He went that way."

 

After the Mifitary Police ran off, the soldier

crawled out from under her skirt and said,

'I can't tnank you enough Sister You see, I

don't want to go to war to Iraq .

 

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you

have a great pair of legs!

 

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little

higher, you would also have seen a great pair

of balls .... l don't want to go to Iraq either!

[the addict]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come
Work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and
Legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really...
Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
Wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
Better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say
And I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house!!”

[the addict]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened....
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.
By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’
‘Now wot da hell would you say

Edited November 11, 2015 by the addict