Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together...
" Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but she was insistent on knowing,
" what is the problem??....."
I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!

[the_oil_baron]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we

 

stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and

 

there was a sign attached that said,

 

 

 THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

 

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, and

 

"He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."

 

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

 

 

"WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him."

 

 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

 

in capital letters,

 

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

 

"That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

 

I looked at her and said,

 

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical

 

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Edited December 4, 2015 by the_oil_baron

[the addict]

Ebay

 

Snowman for sale, needs some attention, £5.00 ono

 

[the addict]

[the addict]

[the_oil_baron]

I was once asked by Procter & Gamble to survey women to find out which soap they prefered using when showering.

 

Their overwhelming response might surprise you as much as it did me.

I asked 100 women, what their favorite soap in the shower was and the most popular response was:

 

 

 

"How the F*** did you get in here?!?!"

[the addict]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy ,
I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while...
back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass &
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was
going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after
all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"
After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather
do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery '
I remembered where I left me hat."

[atomant]

I nicked this one..

 

A man buys a Budgie, it keeps repeating " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel and puts it in the cage and says, " Let's see how hard you are now! "

 

Next morning, the Kestrel is dead and the Budgie says again, " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

 

So the man buys a Buzzard and puts that in there and the next morning the Buzzard is dead. The Budgie says again, " " Am a Glaswegian Budgie and I'm as hard as F*** "

 

So the man thinks he has the ultimate answer and buys a Golden Eagle and puts that in there with him..

 

The next day the Eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left..

 

The Budgie says, " Hid tae take ma jaikit aff for that wee C*** "

 

Edited December 7, 2015 by atomant

[Andy]

I was out walking this morning and found a suitcase containing a cat and six kittens. I called the RSPCA to report it and the woman said "That's terrible, are they moving?

 

I replied "I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

[copemech]

A father cooked some deer for his family feast. He did not tell them what it was, only left one clue,

"It is what your mother calls me."

The boy screams, "Don't eat it! It' Fun@i'n Dick!"

Edited December 11, 2015 by copemech

[the_oil_baron]

FACT VS FICTION

 

 

Man Flu is simply a cold, the symptoms of which are greatly exaggerated by men.
FALSE - Man Flu is a serious and potentially life threatening illness, and will no doubt soon be on the Health and Safety Executive's list of Reportable Diseases. Man Flu is a distinct disease in its own right, and should not be misdiagnosed as a mere common cold.

Women can catch Man Flu
FALSE - Man Flu does not attack humans with the XX chromosome, only those with the XY chromosome. This genetic mutation effectively immunises females against Man Flu. This may account for the reason that women widely believe that Man Flu is actually just the common cold, but with a bit of extra drama thrown in for good measure.

The best way to deal with Man Flu is to just and#39;get on with it'
FALSE - Extensive research has proven that the only way to combat the crippling effects of Man Flu is complete withdrawal to the sofa and uninterrupted mollycoddling by the girlfriend / wife.

Men have a slower recovery rate from Man Flu than women do from the common cold
TRUE - The effects of Man Flu can linger for days and days, compared with just a few hours for the common cold. If the man is not permitted the correct period of convalescence following an attack of Man Flu he can be plunged back into a critical condition

Man Flu is just a way for men to get sympathy / time off work / time in front of the telly
FALSE - Man Flu is a bona-fide and debilitating illness, would men make a meal of that sort of thing?

The pain and suffering of Man Flu is similar to that of child birth
TRUE - Though at least with child birth it's all done and dusted in a few hours, but Man Flu can last for weeks...

The best cure for Man Flu is a cocktail of Night Nurse, Day Nurse, chicken noodle soup and whiskey.
FALSE - There is no cure for Man Flu. Once infected the afflicted can only hope that the gods roll the dice in favour of life rather than slow, lingering death.

While suffering from Man Flu, men would like nothing more than to go to work and try to forget about their affliction.
TRUE - However, men recognise the huge risk of spreading Man Flu to other men. Indeed, a single cough in the wrong direction could hold enough Man Flu germs to wipe out a small rainforest tribe.

 

 

 

[michael_t]

I told my wife she was just having a man flu one time... she called a girl friend who took her to the hospital then called me a couple hours later to let me know my wife had been cardio verted twice (shock paddles)... boy was she upset. I wish I had known that women couldn't get man flu it would have saved me many days in the dog house... We laugh about it now but it wasn't terribly funny at the time.

[atomant]

My Doctor told me I was colour blind.. It was a big surprise..  came at me totally out of the Purple ..

 

 

[the addict]

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin & they are both waiters at a Chinese restaurant. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You wanna ... Garlic Shicken with corrifrowa?"

[copemech]

Do they have these in the UK?