Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

[spen]

NHS Proposals

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

Respiratory therapists aren’t holding their breath.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were *** off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

[spen]

A lad goes to confession.

" I have been with a loose woman." 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" 
"Yes, Father, it is. 
"And, who was the woman you were with?" 
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." 
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Patricia Kelly?" 
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Liz Shannon?" 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 
"Was it Cathy Morgan?" 
"My lips are sealed." 
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" 
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest sighs in frustration. 
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you " 
now!" 
Tommy walks back to his pew. 
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?" 
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

 

[spen]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

 

[spen]

Just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom. 

Sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's moving now!

[spen]

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,

"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog 5h1t, 20 feet back."

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by spen

[spen]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. 

"You mean polio?" she asked. 

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes." 

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"  

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 

"You mean measles?" she asked. 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."  

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...  











Smallcox

 

[spen]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,

took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been

unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I

never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we

were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for

that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of

course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your trials club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

[the addict]

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. 

"You mean polio?" she asked. 

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes." 

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"  

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 

"You mean measles?" she asked. 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."  

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...  

Smallcox

 

 

Lol, pinching that one

[spen]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bleedin' dog!"

[spen]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of Customers and said, "About two

hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked again...

The barber checked the shop and said "About three hours....." The guy

left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long

Before I can get a Haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a Half." The

guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow

that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for

a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

A little while Later Bill returned to the shop.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

"Your House"

[spen]

Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed

On your right side is a sharp drop-off. 

On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!

 

  

 

 

[spen]

An Irish farmer named Paddy Callaway had a car accident involving a lorry.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Callaway.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said,

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy CALLAWAY'S answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fook would you have said?

[trialswarrior]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".

 

[spen]

A woman who had been married 3 times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the fascinated sales clerk.

"That one was a politician," said the woman. "Every night for four years, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."