Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

CHURCH ORGANIST



Miss Beatrice,  the church organist,
was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the
better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice' he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease.
I haven't had the flu all winter.

 

[the addict]

"Our ginger Tom woke me up early this morning making a terrible racket outside the bedroom window. My wife said, "Go and let him in will you, he's been out all night".
"Do it your ****ing self", I replied, "he's your son!!..

[the addict]

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks....
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"

[pa.]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.
 
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been
 
in there twice in the last four years.
 
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[b40rt]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Like

[laird387]

 

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white
lines line down the middle of the road.



He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day's work.



After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted
four miles of road instead of the two required.



On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road.



The  foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn't complain as this was,
after all, only what he'd asked for.



On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted
only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four
moils o' road. On yer second ya did two moils. But on yer tird day ya
only did one moil. What's up?"



Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what's up, but I tought a clever
bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see,
every day I gets ferder an' ferder away from de paint can!

[laird387]

OLD FART PRIDE

It's not a bad thing to be called an Old Fart.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; 
during the National Anthem, Old Farts remove their hats and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. 
They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Normandy, Spitfires and Hitler. 
They remember the Atomic Bomb, Vietnam, the Korean War, the Cold War, the Moon Landing
and all the Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 (well, maybe some of them)..
 
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement, he will apologize. 
If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. 
Old Farts trust strangers and are polite, particularly to women.
 
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, 
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone swears in front of women and children 
and they don't like any filthy language on TV.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. 
They seldom brag except about their children and grandchildren.
 
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, 
but by the young men and women in the Air Force, Army, and Navy.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank Goodness for Old Farts!
 
I was taught to respect my elders. It's just that there are less and less older than me every day...........

 

​Keep on farting..............!

 

[the addict]

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:...
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me........Our Father who art in Heaven........."

[pa.]

The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

[laird387]

From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ... 

I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:  

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."   

I told him I was not paralysed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. 

Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.  

After the prayers, I stepped outside - and damn me - my car was gone!

[laird387]

 

Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai ...

 

 

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

She got excited and said:

"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

 

 

 

 

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :  666136429

 

 

[laird387]

Four lady friends meet thirty years after school at a reunion, just after Xmas.

One goes to collect some food while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons became.

One says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he just gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Another said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he just gave his best friend a Jet.

The third said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he just built his best friend a Castle.

The other lady returned with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were saying how successful their sons had become and asked about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The others agreed she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

“Oh no !” said the Lady, “he is doing very well”.
“Last week he got a Ferrari, a Jet and a Castle from three of his boyfriends !”

The other ladies fainted .....

Edited January 9, 2016 by laird387

[guys]

[northyorkie]

 checking the earmissions    .............. .........sorry 

[laird387]

Australian Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunken Aboriginal led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For God's sake, you stupid bugger it's ten past three in the morning!!!'