slapshot 3 Posted April 21, 2016 Report Share Posted April 21, 2016 The charitable organization, United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… . . no, I didn’t know that.”“Secondly”, says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea”.And the lawyer says, “So . . . if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you”. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted April 21, 2016 Report Share Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?”Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Gary, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”“What if that had been struck by lightning?”“Then,” Gary continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”“What if the phone was engaged?” “Well in that case,” persevered Gary, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”“What if that was vandalized?” “Oh well then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash before.” Edited April 21, 2016 by slapshot 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted April 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2016 Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.Is that a trick question? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted April 22, 2016 Report Share Posted April 22, 2016 Addict I like that I can tell it to my kids tomorrow 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 24, 2016 Report Share Posted April 24, 2016 An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior tothe surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored incase the need arose.As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't befoundlocally, the call went out around the world.Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamondnecklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation for the blooddonation.A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgicalprocedure.Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was morethan happy to donate his blood.After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card anda box of chocolates.The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kindgesture as he had anticipated.He then phoned the Arab and asked him:-"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me aBMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-youcard and a crappy box of chocolates?"To this the Arab replied:-"Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 25, 2016 Report Share Posted April 25, 2016 The teacher was asking the children what they had for breakfast, and then to spell it."Mary, what did you have?" "I had cornflakes, Miss. C-O-R-N-F-L-A-K-E-S." "Very good. Alan, what did you have?" "I had toast, Miss. T-O-A-S-T." "Very good. Now Johnny, what did you have?" "Bugger all, Miss. B-U-G-G-E-R......" "Yes, thank you Johnny, that's enough of that. Let's go on to some geography. Tracey, where is the Panama Canal?" "Between North and South America, Miss." "Very good. George, where is the Mexican border?" "Between the USA and Mexico, Miss." "Very good. Now Johnny, where is the Polish border?" "In bed with my mum. That's why I had bugger all for breakfast, Miss." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 26, 2016 Report Share Posted April 26, 2016 A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Chevy Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted April 27, 2016 Report Share Posted April 27, 2016 Subject: Teachers & Cops These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamanx Posted April 27, 2016 Report Share Posted April 27, 2016 Fact of the day - Never wear shorts in the Ukraine because Chernobyl fall-out 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted April 28, 2016 Report Share Posted April 28, 2016 If I had to summarize myself in one word it would be, "Doesn't follow instructions." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted April 28, 2016 Report Share Posted April 28, 2016 This is the funny thread! I got my new ride! I gave it back! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted April 28, 2016 Report Share Posted April 28, 2016 Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton... Where it all started back in 2008 Justin I salute you Posted 12 December 2008 - 08:13 PM This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicksbadly. So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a rooster that they would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.' Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with Buzzards circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky above and says, 'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted April 28, 2016 Report Share Posted April 28, 2016 Then came the movie. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 1, 2016 Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 Mickey Mouse gets a call from his divorce lawyer, who says 'You can't divorce Minnie for having big teeth.' Mickey replies: 'I said she was f@#*ing Goofy.' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 3, 2016 Report Share Posted May 3, 2016 An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?""It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon.""Why father ?" he asked."Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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