Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[the addict]

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.

 

Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

 

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

"Haram"

[spen]

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing... 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... 

Sergeant: What is her height? 

Husband: Oh, I’m not sure. About five-feet four. 

Sergeant: Weight? 

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat 
. 
Sergeant: Colour of eyes? 

Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green. 

Sergeant: Colour of hair? 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. 

Sergeant: What was she wearing? 

Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly. 

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? 

Husband: She took my sports coupe. 

Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it? 

Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multi-spoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMMAND On-line with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Blue-tooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Power-fold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Power-wash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats... 

At this point the husband starts choking up..... 
Sergeant: Don't worry, we’ll find your car...

[spen]

.....

[spen]

A couple who work in a circus go to an adoption agency , social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

 

The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

 

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

 

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

 

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

 

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

 

The social workers are finally satisfied.

 

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

 

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

 

 

[spen]

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he

added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way...

Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people here who think on their feet.

Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff,

sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.

The boy said,

"Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby

players."

"Really?" said the manager.

"My wife is from Cardiff."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy.

"What position did she play?"

[spen]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?´

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head There's no warning-

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself..

[spen]

Lawyer : (To wealthy art collector tycoon.) "I have some good news and I have some bad news”.

Tycoon : "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

Lawyer : “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million”.

Tycoon : (Enthusiastically) “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

Lawyer : “The pictures are of you shagging your secretary

[spen]

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." 

She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her 200 pounds. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you upstairs." 

The boy says "But she's got to have herpes." 

The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another 200 pounds. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins". 

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?". 

"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes... 

...AND HE'S THE ******* WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!

[pa.]

I went to the timber yard and this guy approached me and said, Do you want decking? so I hit him first.

[atomant]

If you get cold, stand in the corner for a bit as they are usually about 90 degrees

 

Two guys stole a calendar .. they both got 6 months each..

 

This 80 year old guy was sitting by the kerbside and crying his eyes out when this young guy came up to him and said, " Why are you crying?"

 

He said, " I married a young lady and in the morning when we wake up, we have sex.. at 11 am she wants it again, and at 2 pm. 5pm and just before we go to sleep at 10pm too.. "

 

The young guy says, "  Wow, that sounds amazing . so why are you crying? "

 

The old guy says, " Because I've forgotten where I f*****g live " 

Edited May 25, 2016 by atomant

[spen]

An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[spen]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[spen]

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the **** still inside?"

 

[spen]

I've just seen an Asylum seeker at side of the road eating grass.

So I pulled up in the car and said. "Hey! " Don't eat that. Come home with me, mate and I'll feed you."
"The Asylum seeker said " I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"
I replied " Oh, come on mate your having a laugh, I've only got a small lawn."