copemech Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 Wait and watch for the finger! https://youtu.be/5SZfznYgToc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 Although a bad one, this must be a joke. Right? https://nowthisnews.com/st-joseph-la-has-been-suffering-a-water-crisis-for-a-decade-9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives the...m a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?""I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...."Dopey f****d a penguin! Dopey f****d a penguin!!. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives the...m a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.... "Dopey f****d a penguin! Dopey f****d a penguin!!. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2016 My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.I've got a good bottle of wine in the fridge and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 The Addict walks into a Montesa dealership he browses around, then spots the perfect 300RR and walks over to inspect it. As he bends over to feel the controls and lush suspension he unleashes a loud fart! Very embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as he turns back, sure enough, there standing next to him is a salesman. Good day sir how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what he has just done, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely Montesa 300RR?" He answers, "Sir if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when you hear the price 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 The Addict walks into a Montesa dealership he browses around, then spots the perfect 300RR and walks over to inspect it. As he bends over to feel the controls and lush suspension he unleashes a loud fart! Very embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as he turns back, sure enough, there standing next to him is a salesman. Good day sir how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away from what he has just done, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely Montesa 300RR?" He answers, "Sir if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when you hear the price 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!They named him Ravi O' Lee 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2016 I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was thesame with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his ****ing pram... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2016 I was in Tesco recently, when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating:"Ooii, I thought you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said..??"No I didn't" I said, as I arranged the Washing Powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 9, 2016 Report Share Posted February 9, 2016 HI, Grandad's tale (edited) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted February 10, 2016 Report Share Posted February 10, 2016 Sydney radio show thought this funny.... The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have" DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please". Contestant: "Brian" DJ: "Brian, are you married or what? Brian: "Yes". DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married" DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please Brian: "Sara" DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me" DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work" DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me" DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning" DJ: "Atta boy Brian" Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes" DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake" Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice" DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...." DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh" Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time" DJ: "Atta boy Brian" Brian: "On the kitchen table" DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this" (3 minutes of commercials follow) DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones...ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos" DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she" DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now" Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sara: "No" DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest" DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us" Sara: (laughing) "yes" DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?" Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work" DJ: "What time?" Sara: "Around 8 this morning" DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe" DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sara: (laughing) "Yes" DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" Brian: "Just tell them honey" DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?" Sara: "well....." DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?" Sara: "Up the a***..." After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break" Oi that was my joke about 3 / 4 years ago when Kenny started 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) Oi that was my joke about 3 / 4 years ago when Kenny started Edited February 10, 2016 by the addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted February 10, 2016 Report Share Posted February 10, 2016 Yes mate Im good, im better for reading this lot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.